Give and Take #Dominance and #Submission

I tend to think of Daddy as big and strong, my rock in a world of chaos. I say that I don’t put him up on a pedestal, but I probably do. In my eyes, he can do no wrong.

On an intellectual level, I know that’s not true. Everyone makes mistakes. It happens. But to me, even Daddy’s mistakes have purpose. And no mistake of his is so serious that it can’t be forgiven.

Our pasts affect our present, even when we’re trying not to let them, they do. I know this, too. In the beginning, I had to actively remind myself not to compare Daddy to anyone else I’d ever known. I had to actively remind myself that submitting to one Dominant is different than submitting to another. That was my past trying to encroach on my present. (And hell, that’s only one example.)

In trying to choose between this condo or that town house while we plan our move, I became frustrated a few times because Daddy seemed so unsure. I said, more than once, “Daddy, I trust you. If you say this place will work, I believe you. If you say it won’t, I believe that too. Just tell me.”

Our conversations went no where. He and I are both thinkers – and can overthink ourselves into a blackhole with no hope of return, if allowed. I knew this could be part of the problem, but finally, finally, he said something that made it all make sense…

“Babygirl, I spent my entire marriage being told I was wrong about everything…”

He might have said something else after that, but I didn’t hear it. My wheels were spinning, and I realized I was treating him as if he’d always been my Daddy, my Dominant with no crazy past of his own. He didn’t spring forth from the ground fully formed into Kayla’s Daddy. He has a past that he has to deal with just as much as I have to deal with my own. He has years of a bad relationship to deal with just like I do.

The moment he said it, I knew what I had to do. I have to help him trust himself. He makes good decisions – he thinks things through, weighs the pros and cons, and then makes the best decision possible with the information he has. Better yet, he listens when I offer a different perspective or a bit of advice based on my own experiences. I have no doubts about his ability to make good decisions.

I’m a big believer in listening to your instinct. If I’d trusted my instinct earlier in life, a lot of things would be very different. Daddy has to learn to listen to his gut, too. So I started helping him. Every time a decision needs to be made, and we’ve discussed every single detail ad nauseum (as thinkers are wont to do), I ask him one simple question.

“What does your gut say?”

I promised Daddy that because of the way we’ve been making decisions lately, I’m never going to belittle his decisions or second-guess him – even if we discover later that it was a mistake. I reminded him that hindsight is always 20-20 and it’s much easier to second-guess someone than it is to jump in, solve problems, and be the decider. I reminded him that I support him 100% and the only time he has to worry about that support is when he cuts me out of the decision-making process or he doesn’t communicate with me.

I tell you all of this to remind you that it’s not just submissives who need strength and guidance. Submissives aren’t the only ones with a past to overcome. Dominants, in all stripes and forms, need the same thing – just in a different way. Lending Daddy strength has nothing to do with taking control (that’s his job). My form of strength is letting him know that I trust him and believe in him, that I support him completely.

Dominance and submission is about give and take. From the outside, most people think the Dominant does the taking and the submissive only gives. That couldn’t be further from the truth. There is a push and pull, yin and yang movement to a good D/s relationship. I think the same can be said of solid vanilla relationships, too, but it’s an easier dichotomy to see in D/s because the roles are often clearly defined. For Daddy and I, our strengths and weaknesses complement one another, and we fit together exactly like a puzzle.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • That was perfectly stated! That trust is the glue and what makes the dynamic work. When a Dom knows you trust and support him he’s free to be the Dom he needs to be. When he trusts his sub to not have a freak out if a wrong decision was made then his confidence in himself goes through the roof. You helped me so much this morning, Kayla. Thank you for your inspired words. I know what I must do today ((hugs))

  • It is a give and take, it has to be. Too many women who desire this lifestyle fail to realize this and are not prepared to provide the emotional support that that every Sir or DaddyDom, no matter how strong, needs. The hardest thing for them to do is show us their vulnerability. Everyone arrives with baggage and insecurities. This is an excellent post. Thank you!

    • Giving Dominants a safe space to be vulnerable is important – convincing them (through our words and actions) that they can show their vulnerable side is the first hurdle. There is nothing more beautiful and special than when he feels safe enough to show vulnerability – and it is a RARE thing indeed.

      And thank you! 🙂

  • This is also true when YOU have been the one creating the problem, as is true in my marriage. I find myself reminding Mr. HH that his decisions are the ones I want. I know I make good ones but I am tired of the responsibility. I’m happy to contribute but I want to lean on him. I have to regularly say that I’m not going to be mad if they aren’t what I would have done because I gave that role up purposefully. I’m going to offer my opinion then step aside for him to choose our way. Not snatching control back is getting easier for me and holding on to the control is getting easier for him. But it is reassuring to know that it is a journey we are both on. He needs my support to be fully himself.

    • Yes, yes, and YES! You’ve got it exactly right. ((HUGS))

      The complete trust in your submission and in his dominance will come in time. It’s all about consistency and communication.

  • Great post Kayla

    So many forget that these are relationships first and foremost. Doms are human, with their own sets of baggage, insecurities and flaws.

    I tend to put my loves up on pedestals too…but as I was told once, it’s hard to live up to that worship.

    Thank you for sharing the real as well as the fantasy 🙂

    • I think you’re right. We all do. In D/s, there’s this (incorrect) thinking among many – especially Doms – that they don’t need that kind of thing.

  • I like that you Think About Things, I do as well and can get stuck in Over-think like you.. But it’s a self-awareness that greatly improves one’s life I believe, opening more mental doors to possibilities & solutions. You already know how fortunate you are to have found the Dom meant for you. Part of what makes him such , in my opinion, is that you are on the same wavelength, so to speak–he understands your mind. No small thing! xoxox

    • No small thing indeed. Understanding one another so well seems like a major miracle. Part of it (on my end) is that I follow my instinct with him. If I think something is true, I say it – he’ll tell me I’m wrong (even though he hasn’t yet). Is that because of all the communication we’ve had all along or something more mystical and spiritual about our connection? I don’t know, but I know it’s made all the difference in the world.


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