Those of us in the dominance and submission (D/s) lifestyle talk a lot about how much stronger our bonds are with our partners, how much greater the communication is between both parties, how much better our relationships are than our vanilla counterparts. I don’t necessarily disagree with those statements, as someone who has been vanilla and who is now decidedly a dark chocolate kind of girl.
This greater bond, deeper communication, blah blah blah, doesn’t stop me from going down rabbit holes of self doubt from time to time. At the end of the day, relationships are relationships, and as such, are comprised of people. People with faults and pasts and insecurities. God knows I’m one of those.
There comes a point in many, probably most, long-term D/s relationships where the submissive (male or female) fully submits to their Dominant – to whatever extent both want, of course. Whether this is in the bedroom, a 24/7 D/s life, or a hybrid, I haven’t come across a D/s couple yet who didn’t get to that decision at some point.
I’ve held my Daddy at bay for a long time – about nine months actually. Each day, each week, each month, I let him in a little closer. We have finally come to a point in our relationship where I’m ready to give him more, and we have talked at length about taking our relationship to another level. There are some very real, very vanilla things that have to occur first, but the desire is there. We both want and need more. The idea of fully submitting is intoxicating, and that need is something I crave on a physical, visceral level.
But that doesn’t stop me from going down rabbit holes. No matter how submissive I am, or how Dominant he is, we both have self-doubts. Most people do. The closer I want to be to him, the more I worry that I’ll do something to screw it up. I worry that he’ll have second thoughts and realize this isn’t what he wants. I worry, and I worry, and I worry until I’ve made myself a basket case over the what-ifs.
Last weekend, we had several hours of silence between because we were both busy – and he was tired and took a few naps (I’m only a little jealous since two little boys just don’t allow their mother to ever take a nap, ever). I’ve been very spoiled for a very long time. I never have to wait hours on end to speak with my Daddy. He’s always just a text message away or a phone call or an email or whatever.
Five hours of silence and I was falling down the rabbit hole. Why is he being quiet? What’s wrong? Is it me? Is it us? What’s wrong? What’s wrong? What’s wrong?
Thankfully, I’m enough of a grown up to keep these thoughts to myself. Talking to him later, the self-doubts manifested themselves into an “inexplicable” need to cry. When he asked me what was wrong, I really didn’t know why I needed to cry. It was the next day, when I didn’t hear from him for two hours (yes, I realize, I’m crazy and two hours isn’t that long), that I was filled with doubts because I want to be amazing for him at all times, and I’m not sure I am. I want to please. I want to be pleasing. Hard to do when everything goes quiet.
I finally realized I was being ridiculous. After a sleepless night, it made sense that he was probably asleep and I should just call him because he had things he wanted to get done. He would have been upset with himself if he’d slept the day away. Funny enough, in my effort to climb out of my own rabbit hole, I was as submissive as ever, trying desperately to serve – even if from a distance.
The self-doubts don’t just automatically vanish because you submit to another or because you Dominate another. The pathways of communication are clearer, definitely. The desire to please or be pleased is there which helps work through the issues. But the ability to fall down into a hole filled with self-doubt and every stupid thing you’ve ever done isn’t a D/s thing or a vanilla thing – it’s a relationship thing.