Those of us in the dominance and submission (D/s) lifestyle talk a lot about how much stronger our bonds are with our partners, how much greater the communication is between both parties, how much better our relationships are than our vanilla counterparts. I don’t necessarily disagree with those statements, as someone who has been vanilla and who is now decidedly a dark chocolate kind of girl.
This greater bond, deeper communication, blah blah blah, doesn’t stop me from going down rabbit holes of self doubt from time to time. At the end of the day, relationships are relationships, and as such, are comprised of people. People with faults and pasts and insecurities. God knows I’m one of those.
There comes a point in many, probably most, long-term D/s relationships where the submissive (male or female) fully submits to their Dominant – to whatever extent both want, of course. Whether this is in the bedroom, a 24/7 D/s life, or a hybrid, I haven’t come across a D/s couple yet who didn’t get to that decision at some point.
I’ve held my Daddy at bay for a long time – about nine months actually. Each day, each week, each month, I let him in a little closer. We have finally come to a point in our relationship where I’m ready to give him more, and we have talked at length about taking our relationship to another level. There are some very real, very vanilla things that have to occur first, but the desire is there. We both want and need more. The idea of fully submitting is intoxicating, and that need is something I crave on a physical, visceral level.
But that doesn’t stop me from going down rabbit holes. No matter how submissive I am, or how Dominant he is, we both have self-doubts. Most people do. The closer I want to be to him, the more I worry that I’ll do something to screw it up. I worry that he’ll have second thoughts and realize this isn’t what he wants. I worry, and I worry, and I worry until I’ve made myself a basket case over the what-ifs.
Last weekend, we had several hours of silence between because we were both busy – and he was tired and took a few naps (I’m only a little jealous since two little boys just don’t allow their mother to ever take a nap, ever). I’ve been very spoiled for a very long time. I never have to wait hours on end to speak with my Daddy. He’s always just a text message away or a phone call or an email or whatever.
Five hours of silence and I was falling down the rabbit hole. Why is he being quiet? What’s wrong? Is it me? Is it us? What’s wrong? What’s wrong? What’s wrong?
Thankfully, I’m enough of a grown up to keep these thoughts to myself. Talking to him later, the self-doubts manifested themselves into an “inexplicable” need to cry. When he asked me what was wrong, I really didn’t know why I needed to cry. It was the next day, when I didn’t hear from him for two hours (yes, I realize, I’m crazy and two hours isn’t that long), that I was filled with doubts because I want to be amazing for him at all times, and I’m not sure I am. I want to please. I want to be pleasing. Hard to do when everything goes quiet.
I finally realized I was being ridiculous. After a sleepless night, it made sense that he was probably asleep and I should just call him because he had things he wanted to get done. He would have been upset with himself if he’d slept the day away. Funny enough, in my effort to climb out of my own rabbit hole, I was as submissive as ever, trying desperately to serve – even if from a distance.
The self-doubts don’t just automatically vanish because you submit to another or because you Dominate another. The pathways of communication are clearer, definitely. The desire to please or be pleased is there which helps work through the issues. But the ability to fall down into a hole filled with self-doubt and every stupid thing you’ve ever done isn’t a D/s thing or a vanilla thing – it’s a relationship thing.
Indeed, at the end it is just a relationship like any other one and if it is D/s or vanilla,or friendship for that matter, being able to communicate is what finally counts.
I agree completely.
We do make ourselves crazy, believing in our own thoughts of inadequacy and lack, even when there’s no evidence to support them. The mind is a terribly undisciplined sucker.
Damn the mind! 🙂
I do this! I understand this so well. While I’m not in a D/s thang, I’ve found that I get crazy with silence. Self-doubt tends to plague me and I start trying to sabotage the interaction. It can get ugly.
It can get very ugly. I think my only saving grace is that he and I have known each other for so long and I know I can tell him when it happens.
I’m right there with you too. In my lifetime, i have frequently fallen into the hole of self-doubt. I was the one that wanted to bring the D/s dynamic to our relationship and I still fall often. I’m getting better, but as I discover more about myself I still end up down there sometimes. All my relationships prior to this one (and including this one up until almost a year ago when I asked for D/s) have been purely vanilla. There were different reasons for the self-doubt but it still happened.
Doubts suck – vanilla or D/s. Being able to talk about the self doubts is new to me. And having his full support is amazing. Even if he thinks my doubts are crazy, he still listens to me.
I’m still working on it. My go-to defense mechanism is withdrawing myself. Opening up when I’m doubting myself is new to me as well.
I understand completely. I prefer to go into my head and think things through…but that’s when I end up falling down the rabbit hole…because I overthink EVERYTHING.
My Stats and Research teacher gives us HELL for overthinking things. I am learning (slowly) to let go of my thoughts when they’re causing anxiety. It is not easy.
No, it definitely isn’t easy…
Everyone has certain triggers or what one might call bad tapes.
It is the ability to recognize them as such and not allow them to take control.
It helps to have a good Dominant on your side…that makes all the difference in the world. 🙂
Thank you for the clarification. I’ve been studying the lifestyle under the tutelage of a couple who consider me their daughter. I consult with them on just about everything if I have questions. I’m learning a lot.
The man who I consider my father figure led me to your blog. I enjoyed what I’ve read so far. Thank you for this. I can’t wait to read more.