What Does She Want?

I’ve taken my time with this, because it feels too important to nonchalantly answer. I’m still a little ticked that a certain someone got me thinking so damn hard. Of course, if this is the outcome, he can do it more often if he’d like.

First I questioned if I was real. Then I tried to verbalize who I am. Now I’m ready for the hard questions – I think.

What does She want out of life?

Do I want success, money, fame, fortune? Not really. I want to love and be loved. I want a healthy, happy family. I want to know that I can take care of the ones I love. I want to look back on the events of my life with a sense of perspective, feeling like everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. Or maybe that I handled whatever life threw at me. Maybe both.

On a baser level, I want to find the person who brings out the best in me and who I can do that for in return. The person who will be the one who allows me to believe that everything else in life is possible. We talk a lot about being able to do it on our own and walking our own path, not letting anyone be the reason for or against the things we want, blah blah blah. Yes, that’s all true. But just because we can do it on our own doesn’t mean we should have to. Saying that doesn’t mean I put life on hold because I don’t have someone. It just means I recognize the value in it. How hollow is life when you don’t have someone to share your successes with or who can be there for you in defeat?

What excites her (not just naughty stuff) what are her passions?

Connections excite me. Engaging with people and sharing ideas excites me. Being heard and understood in a world filled with chaos and people who focus inward instead of outward – that excites me. Knowing I made a difference to someone excites me.

I love finding commonalities with people. So much is said about our differences, our uniqueness, but I think what gets forgotten in the mess is that we all have the same fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and experiences. I see it when I talk to other parents of children my age. I see it when I talk to anyone who’s suffered a broken heart. The details may be different, but the emotions and the reactions are similar. If we all celebrated that with each other more often, this world would be a different place.

What is she scared of trying, but wants so badly?

Working for myself, starting my own company, being my own boss, moving to another city, publishing my writing. I just finally managed to bring my life to a state of homeostasis. I feel like I can take care of my family without worrying too much – at least I know I can buy groceries when I need them. There was a time in the not-too distant past when I was begging family members for help to buy milk. The idea of making changes that could upset that apple cart scares the hell out of me.

When I think of trying to build these things for myself while working the 50+ hours a week and being a single mom with no help, I find I’m so overwhelmed and exhausted that I can’t even begin. I never have been that person who can think in baby steps. I look at a project or a goal and want to make big progress right away – and the idea of trying to do that right now makes me reject the idea as impossible. And so I never begin.

What is stopping her from bliss?

Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being good enough. Fear. Plain and simple and ugly fear. So many people say, “Just let go of fear” or “You can’t be afraid of failure.” It’s always easier said than done. The few times I refused to let fear stop me have been worth it, but only after a lot of hard work.

I remember when I told my mother I wanted a divorce. Her first question was, “How can you afford it?” She didn’t mean the divorce itself, she meant being a single mother. She sensed even then (although I did not) that the ex wasn’t going to take care of his children. My response was simple, “If I let myself think about that, I’ll never do it.” That was a moment I didn’t even let myself feel the fear.

I think moments like that only happen when it’s the right time. When fear paralyzes us, I believe it means we weren’t meant to move forward in that moment. If we’re that scared, we’re not strong enough to handle whatever life will throw at us once we take the next step. But when you don’t even acknowledge the fear, I think, it’s because you’re at the right moment in life to weather whatever happens.

What is her true north?

Kindness, love, honesty. Honesty above all else. With complete honesty comes trust. With trust comes love. With love anything is possible. It takes so much for me to trust someone, and yet I’m a person people seem to trust very easily. I am always honest – all while being tactful and diplomatic, as only a people-pleaser can be. I keep confidences for people from all walks of life. I’m the shoulder to cry on, the strength to lean on, and I don’t mind.

But I don’t trust people. On the rare occasion when I do, when you have my trust, you have every part of me. If you lose that trust, you can never get it back. Ever. I can forgive, and I have, many times over, but I never forget.

I don’t know what all of this says about me. I’ll let other’s decide. Perception being reality, I’m actually more fascinated about how I’m viewed than how I view myself. I see myself one way, and I’m sure the world sees me differently.

I’m more comfortable with myself than ever before. I’ve grown as a mother, as a woman. I understand my role in relationships, and I accept it fully and wholeheartedly. I know myself better than anyone ever will, I’m sure – I spend too much time in my head not to be very self-aware.

This has been a fascinating exercise. I’ve spent days mulling this one post over in my head. I’ll let you decide what it all means, if anything.

I’m just me.