I was looking through one of my Works In Progress (WIP), and I found something I wanted to share with you. This is still pretty rough, as my first draft is mostly a brain dump of ideas.
I find freedom in submission.
For a brief moment in time, I am free from all thoughts and worries. Those are placed to the side – either to be dealt with at another time or shouldered by my Dominant. Please understand, there are discussions and conversations about what I think, how I feel, and what I want and need. The deep communication needed for a D/s relationship to work is what allows me to lay my mental burdens to the side.
Depending on the situation, submission either allows me to momentarily walk away from the spinning, dizzying thoughts and worries and simply exist in a moment or more often, I am reminded that I am not alone with my cares, worries, and fears. I am still a grown woman who must face her life, but my Dominant makes sure I don’t have to do it alone.
When I submit, I also have the freedom to be who I am.
As a girl, I was taught to be strong, brave, hard-working, and to never rely on anyone but myself. I have no siblings so I don’t know if boys are taught the same thing. I don’t know if my parents were strange or if this is how girls in my generation were raised. But I do know that being self-sufficient was drummed into my head from an early age.
I’ve spent many years taking care of myself and my family. When I divorced my husband, I proclaimed myself truly independent, after so many years of carrying the load of our family by myself. As a close friend once said, “I can do bad by myself. I don’t need anyone else’s help!” After years of feeling like I had been the only one to contribute in my marriage, knowing that I was essentially doing the same thing as a single mother made me feel empowered.
I felt empowered until I felt empty and lonely. Often alone, I spent many hours thinking. I reminded myself frequently that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of a situation. Just because I think I’m missing out on something doesn’t mean the thing (whatever it may be) would be any better than what I have. But what I desperately wanted was someone who would take care of me, who would allow me to lean a little, someone who had my best interests at heart.
These thoughts made me wonder if I was weak. I became nervous that I might be that woman who became involved with any man who gave me attention just so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I resisted the desire to want a good, strong man because I felt I was betraying the sisterhood of single women.
I felt that way until I came to understand Dominance and submission. Many of my characteristics made sense to me as I learned more about D/s. I wanted to give all of who I was to the man I felt was worthy – I had tried to do this in my marriage only to be taken advantage of for many years. I wanted to allow someone else to lead me, exhausted from years of being “in charge.”
There is freedom, for me as a submissive woman, in letting someone else lead. Realize though that I don’t hand over that control easily. A great deal of trust and communication is required. I have mental tasks and checklists, things that I look for in a Dominant. Is he consistent? Is he genuine? Does he do what he says he will do? Does he speak passionately about the things (and people) he cares about? That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Oh, but once I submit, I am free because I am able to embrace my true self.