Always a #Dominant and Always a #Submissive

The power of conversation to inspire will always amaze me. One phone call with my Daddy (um, my Sir, if you’re new here), and I knew I had to share my insights with you.

“I can’t imagine a room filled with Dominants, every single one of them knowing they’re right and everyone else is wrong.”

I said that in response to news that he was attending a meeting for Dominants this weekend. He belongs to his local BDSM club (I am so jealous) and they have separate meetings for submissives and Dominants to get together and learn from one another. His knowing laugh told me I was right. Dominants want to be, and usually are, in charge; their word is law (sort of). A room filled with Dominants is an argument waiting to happen.

That observation led to a discussion about the inherent traits of Dominants and submissives. He made a statement that I’ve heard many times from many people in the BDSM lifestyle. “A Dominant is always a Dominant.” Of course, as usual, what follows this statement is how submissives aren’t always submissive. We commiserated about needing a Dominant to be submissive or a submissive to be a Dominant. The common saying among subs is, “I’m a submissive, not your submissive.”

I had a slightly different opinion, though (be shocked). I contend that if Dominant traits are inherent, then, to a certain extent, so are submissive traits.

Okay, of course I can only use myself as the example, and we are all unique snowflakes in this, but I believe that what I’m about to say could be true for many Dominants and submissives. And I think this crosses gender lines. This isn’t about male Dominants and female submissives, although that’s my experience. I think much of this applies regardless of gender.

Dominants often exude a certain amount of confidence. Some are brash and bold, some are quiet and unassuming. Some come across as arrogant, some appear more humble. The point is that when you look deep, and you get to know the person even slightly, you see the confidence. Dominants are not all high-powered CEOs or billionaires, in case you wondered. Sometimes they have ten bosses just like the rest of the world, but they often assume a certain amount of responsibility within their job and in their vanilla life. Dominants seem to be the go-to person, the one who will get it done, the one who will stay calm during chaos. In my experience, they can make a quick decision while thinking on their feet in the middle of a shit-storm.

Those are just my observations, and I will qualify all of the above with this – this applies to good Dominants. The posers, fakers, and abusers of the world do not fall into this category in any way shape or form. I have a feeling there are specific traits of the wannabes, too, and none of them inspire anything but aggravation and eventually contempt.

As a submissive, of which I am much more qualified to speak, I continuously look back on my life and see the proof that I’ve been submissive since childhood. Let me explain. I do not mean that I had the desire to kneel or be used sexually from childhood. I’m talking about the inner qualities of who I am as a person.

The biggest stereotype of submissives is that we’re often in charge or in positions of authority in our professional lives. When someone discovers that they as a high-powered boss are a submissive or when someone else discovers what a submissive does for a living, it’s often followed by the knowing chuckle and shake of the head, as if to say, “I should have known.”

But why do we find ourselves in these positions as submissives? I’ve heard that many of us become submissive in an effort to have one area of our life where give up control. Now, while I disagree on some levels, I will admit that the most freeing part of submission is handing over control and not making any decisions. And yes, while it’s a stereotype that most submissives have a lot of responsibility in our professional and even personal lives, I have a theory about why there’s such a dichotomy. Follow along with me here.

I say that I’m submissive even when I’m in authority at work, and I only have the responsibility and control that I do because I’m a submissive. Wait, what? I’m in positions of authority and responsibility BECAUSE I’m a submissive? Yep, that’s what I said.

Working hard, being good at what I do, getting the projects done ahead of deadline, coming in early, staying late – all of those are the ways I want to be the professional equivalent of a “good girl.”  I am absolutely that person who will understand the lack of a financial raise if my boss gives me praise and credit for what I do. Submissives gain our authority and control in the professional world BECAUSE the things we do to be “good” are the things that help you succeed in the business world.

My main traits at work are simple: work hard, know as much as possible, and be good at everything I do. There are also the added traits of politeness (yes, Sir and yes, Ma’am work wonders), pleasantness, and friendliness too. Given enough time, these traits will work in your favor on the job. And yes, you can have all of these characteristics and NOT be submissive. My point, though, is that many submissives do have these characteristics. In my opinion, I think it helps explain why so many subs are granted so much control on the job.

Ironically, these traits come across as controlling, in a different way. to the vanilla world. And at work, I am controlling. I know what it takes to do something well and to make the boss (or customer or whoever) happy. A part of that is the “good girl” in me. I don’t want to let someone else do a task for two reasons. One, they might do it wrong and two, I might not be the “good girl” anymore. Another part is my own ambition and drive, of course.

Look, it’s not a perfect theory, and without interviewing every submissive I meet, I can never come close to proving that submissives have inherent traits. But simply from pure observation, I say that a Dominant is always a Dominant, and a submissive is always submissive – regardless of the vanilla life they may lead.