A Dam Bursts

I’ve read this ten times. I’ve debated about even posting it. Some will be surprised at it. Some won’t be. It seems disjointed with no cohesion, but that’s how it is in my head tonight, too. I think I decided to post it because it’s real, and it’s me. And I don’t know how to be anything other than that. If you came here for something sexy, here, try this instead. If I sound sad and pathetic, that’s ok, that’s how I feel. If I sound foolish, that’s ok, too, because I am. 

I’ve played the part quite nicely. I’ve focused on my sexual side. I’ve focused on my flirtatious side. I’ve had interesting conversations. I’ve made new friends. I’ve been the woman I think I’m supposed to be.

Eventually, the dam bursts – it always does.

This isn’t about him. This isn’t about grief. This isn’t about loving and losing. Or is it loving and waiting?

I feel disposable. I’ve been disposable my entire adult life – in love, at least. No worries, Kayla will love you forever because she doesn’t know any better. Walk away, run away, stay and use her until she’s empty, it doesn’t matter, she’s not going anywhere.

I’d never had anything good, until recently. And I told him that I had one fear – wanting and loving something I can’t have. I don’t just want it, I need it, crave it, and ache for it. And I still can’t have it.

I’m no good for anyone like this. I’m going through the motions, waiting for the next person to be done with me, to walk away. I have conversations with people all the time and the little voice in the back of my head wonders how long it will last. When will they grow tired, bored, stressed, other things will need to be dealt with. It’s the way of the world.

He wasn’t the first to need to step away from me – he was just the only one who was honest about it. Maybe that’s why I was able to honor his request so “easily.” I haven’t handled it well since, but at least I gave him what he needed. Does that count?

My ex husband acted like he never wanted to leave – I guess that’s what happens when you make someones life too easy. But once he decided he was done with me, I was nothing to him. Less than nothing. Easily pushed around. Use scare tactics on her, she’ll come running back. Guess that backfired on him.

My lion was different.

The only thing that keeps me from losing all faith is that I know he’ll tell me when he really is done, when he doesn’t love me anymore, when he wants me to simply leave his life completely. He hasn’t done that yet. It doesn’t mean I don’t wait for it every single day. I’m almost glad we don’t talk much – it means he can’t say the thing I dread hearing the most.

I stood in the shower tonight, sobbing. I feel the distance increasing between us and I’m powerless to stop it. But when I try to tell myself that I’ll just let him go completely, the pain of that idea is so bad it feels like it’s happening all over again.

This isn’t the I’m-not-a-worthy-person post.

But I still wonder about the people who befriend me – for whatever their reasons. Why? What do you want? What do you hope to gain? Don’t you know I’m broken? Don’t you realize that you’ll be done with me one day, too? Don’t you realize that I know it before it even happens? I know nothing in life is permanent. I don’t have long-lasting anything. It just doesn’t work that way. I don’t know why, but I know it’s so.

I’m no good for anyone. Not like this. I’m supposed to be a woman who faces life head on, stays strong, laughs and cracks a sarcastic joke. I’m supposed to keep a brave face. I’m supposed to remember that other people have it worse.

I question myself every day. I’m not alone in this, I know. Other people go through this. Other people have it worse. Other people know real pain. I’m whining about what? A month of sadness? Everyone tells me it will be over eventually. That I should find something to smile about. I guess that’s supposed to be the cure, right? Just pretend not a goddamned thing is wrong with me, that I don’t question myself every second of every day. Eventually, I’ll get over it. Right? That’s the theory, right?