Good Relationships are Hard Work #WickedWednesday

Image Credit: Kate or Die!

Back in the day, long before I met John Brownstone, there were several kinky couples I followed online. Every time I read a post or saw a picture, the thought bubble that appeared over my head always said, “#RelationshipGoals!” – I’m fairly certain I told them that, too.

I know (because people tell me) that there are kinksters who look at John Brownstone and myself and get that same thought bubble. It’s sweet, and my response is usually, “You can have this – if you’re willing to wait for it and work for it.”

Because, y’all, that’s the reality. We didn’t magically come together like this, and as much as we try to show an honest picture of our relationship online and through the podcast, there’s stuff you don’t see.

We both get cranky, and sometimes he doesn’t go all “Daddy” on me. Sometimes, he’s just as whiny and pouty as I am. Y’all, he had a near-tantrum the other day, while I stayed calm and fixed the problem.

I’m kind of a bitch, sometimes. Especially to him – because he’s safe.

We rarely argue – I credit D/s for this – but when we disagree, it’s always over money.

We don’t always listen to each other.

We’ve gone to bed annoyed or upset with the other.

We’ve forgotten to say “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” when we should have remembered.

A lot goes into having a good relationship, I don’t care what your flavor might be. So on this Valentine’s Day, for those of you who look at other couples with any amount of awe or envy, stop. Let’s get real about what it takes instead. Hell, you might thank your lucky stars you’re still single.

Time

Someone asked me recently how long it took me to trust John Brownstone. To even be willing to see him in person? That alone took three months. Fully and completely? A year, at least.

Good relationships take time. Do some people feel a lightning bolt and fall in love at first sight? Sure they do. But I think there’s still an adjustment period. Loving him enough to let him do kinky things is one level and took a few months. Loving him enough to give him a piece of my mind in the rare moment when he fucks up? I needed a little longer for that.

The Hard Conversations

Without what I call the “hard conversations,” any relationship will stagnate. Sometimes you have to say, “You hurt my feelings.” Sometimes you have to say, “I didn’t like that.” Sometimes you have to say, “I think you were wrong.”

As a submissive, this is even harder to do (at least to me, it is). Dominants, on the other hand, who may find it easier to say those things, have to be willing to admit when they’re wrong. John Brownstone has admitted wrong-doing even when I’d decided it was “no big deal.” It wasn’t, not to me, but a partner (and a Dominant) willing to apologize and admit when they’re wrong is a sign of strength, maturity, and commitment.

Gross Intimacy

Over the past few years, John Brownstone and I have grown much more intimate. Oh, I don’t mean in the kinky things we do with each other – though that’s happening too. No, I was willing to be a freaky girl with him almost from the first moment we were physically together. No, no, this is the gross stuff.

Farting, peeing, pooping, blowing your nose.

I grew up believing some things are just private. Now? Well, things have changed…

Did I whine a little when he did his major (not peeing) business while I was brushing my teeth the other day? Yeah, a little. I sprayed Febreze on his butt while he washed his hands, too. But have I stopped worrying about plucking stray hairs when he’s in the bathroom with me? (Ladies, you know the ones…) Almost.

When a man has stuck a finger/toy/cock in your ass, should you really feel strange about farting on him at night while you’re asleep? The answer should be no, but it still took me a few years to get over the embarrassment. Now I tell him to be nice to me, or I’ll eat beans before bedtime.

Brutal Honesty

People sometimes confuse brutal honesty with being an asshole. Saying a difficult truth doesn’t have to be cruel. Has he told me a dress made me look fat? Yeah, but I asked for his opinion. And I don’t want to leave the house looking awful.

Have I told him I think he smokes too many cigars, needs to go to a doctor, isn’t allowed to wear those grandpa pants anymore, and shouldn’t sing certain songs? Yeah. Okay, so maybe I’m more brutally honest than he is. But when said with good humor, the other person’s best interests in mind, and while NOT being a douche about it, you can kind of say those things.

Oh, for the record, he has banned me from singing certain songs because, frankly, I sound like I’m killing a cat when I do.

Good relationships are really hard work. You have to pay attention. You have to say things that might hurt the other person’s feelings. You have to admit when you’re wrong. You have to say “Thank you” and “I love you” and “I appreciate you” and “I’m sorry.”

So if you’re someone who looks at other people’s relationships and wishes you had what they have, realize there’s a lot of work going on over there. And someone is farting, pooping, peeing when they sneeze, plucking weird hairs, singing badly, fighting over money, and disagreeing about how to discipline the kids. It’s not all perfect. It’s not always kinky (hell, sometimes it’s rarely kinky, unfortunately). But if you want your own version, just be prepared to work hard for it – every single day.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is Valentine’s Day. I could have done (another) ode to John Brownstone but I’ll show him my love privately, later, rawr! Go check out what other people are saying about the holiday this week.