I’ve defended porn before. I can clearly see the harm it can (and has) caused, but I also see the benefit of pornography, erotica, and the adult industry in general in helping people recognize their sexual preferences and find their sexual power.
I’ve started participating in something called Sex Talk Tuesday (click the link there to find them on Twitter and follow them – totally worth it). Each week for an hour on Tuesdays (at 3pm eastern) a different topic about sex is raised and discussed on Twitter. I know you’re shocked that I always manage to think about BDSM and specifically Dominance and submission during those conversations. Everyone has their preferences, and I make no apologies for mine.
This week’s topic was also a live-streamed discussion with a panel of experts from across the industry. The topic was porn and the adult industry.
Porn is Everywhere
Several things were discussed – from the conservative desire for more regulations of the adult industry (ironic considering the government is horrible, can’t do it’s job, and everything should be deregulated – according to every conservative who’s ever been handed a microphone and stood in front of a camera) to the idea that the adult industry should somehow participate in policing itself or at least be part of the discussion about the problems of porn and what it does to society, children, etc. Again, ironic because the mainstream wants to pretend porn is all bad, completely evil, or doesn’t exist, and yet, it’s so prolific online that clearly someone is watching.
Could the mainstream’s views on porn be (gasp) hypocritical? Most definitely. We (as a society, I mean) seem to be okay with sex in our advertising, sexual innuendos in nearly every television show or movie not made specifically for children (and some that are), and of course, we love our HBO, Cinemax, and the like. But God forbid porn be widely available in different ways – online, written, video, you name it.
The discussion was long, winding, and endlessly fascinating – even with one ear bud in, and one ear on the boys to make sure the house wasn’t being pulled part.
Things that were said:
- Access to porn is easy, and children (who need to be protected) find it. Those of us on Twitter pointed out that, for the most part, you do have to go looking for it, though. Porn doesn’t just show up on your doorstep and ask to talk to your children.
- There needs to be a national conversation about sex.
- The adult industry may, or may not, bear some responsibility in, at the very least, participating in such a conversation. I think the industry should take part in the dialogue but don’t believe mainstream society wouldn’t let them in. Nor do I think the adult industry is responsible for “fixing” the problem of society’s issues with sex and sexuality.
- Only parents can really talk to kids about sex. My questions continued to be – But will they? Too many people are sexually repressed themselves – how in the hell can they talk to their children in a way that normalizes sex if they aren’t comfortable with their own sexuality?
It’s Not All About BDSM But To Me It Is
My ears perked up when it moved around to violent porn, violent sex, and the changing gender roles and expectations. Le sigh. Here’s where I begin to feel left out of every conversation. Being a female submissive who wants to be smacked around, spanked, and treated poorly (based on impressions of the ill-informed, outsiders looking in) puts me in a class of the “sad, poor, helpless” females who are clearly not feminists, sexually repressed, and abused. Male domination is seen as some sort of misogynistic response to the way men feel they’re being treated in society.
Disclaimer: For some sick fucks, for some mis-informed souls, and for some idiots – yes, this is completely true. Some men are misogynists. Some treat people (women or men) badly because they’re abusers. Some people can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality and think they can go up to any random partner and demand sexual favors. Yep, all true.
In reality, for those of us who live this lifestyle, it’s all about one thing. Consent.
A good deal of “violent porn” is actually a turn on for those of us who feel those same sexual desires and want to see it played out in front of our eyes on a screen.
My Dominant is not acting out misogynistic fantasies based on the repression of his gender. Neither are my Domme friends acting out their repressed feelings due to the repression they’ve experienced as women. And while the panelists discussed the idea that FemDom doesn’t get much attention, and male Dominants do (apparently that’s thanks to violent porn), I have to disagree. In the local lifestyle, I have met many more Dommes than male Dominants. (In a hushed whisper – maybe both mainstream and porn haven’t caught up to the BDSM reality yet. Or maybe I just live in an area with a ton of Dommes.)
I don’t expect everyone watching porn to understand what they see. I don’t expect everyone watching to understand that it’s fantasy – based on real turn-ons and fetishes, but like anything scripted and produced, it’s ultimately fantasy at some level.
But there’s more to violent porn than meets the eye – or the assumptions based on individual (and sometimes erroneous) beliefs.
I’ve got a lot of dark, violent pieces on my site. There have been comments made by a blogger here and there. I put a trigger warning on the sidebar and I hope that does the job.
I think any of us dealing with “adult” topics needs to be responsible about – trigger warnings are definitely a way to do that. I just hate this idea that if it’s not either FemDom or missionary style with the lights on, it’s automatically misogynistic or repressive.
We don’t have a good understanding of sex or sexual desires so it’s not surprising that mainstream response to things like violent porn is what it is. Not my cuppa, but some people enjoy it because there is consent involved. Lumping all things together to satisfy your limited understanding is dumb. This is why we’re so mixed up about sex.
Excellent post. Would that those who needed it would read it.
I know – it’s too much to hope that the people who should read it would.
I’m not into all violent porn, and certainly I have to be in the mood for it, but I hate this idea that my need for the appearance of violence (no matter how small) is somehow “repressive” or because he or I (I can’t keep up with who) have been repressed.
Cindy Gallop (founder of MakeLoveNotPorn.com) was one of the panelists, and she said several times we need an open discussion about sex. I agree but the reality is much more difficult.
such an important topic. I’ve struggled with this topic myself. You know, as a submissive who writes some pretty dark stuff from time to time, publicly airing my deepest darkest fantasies.And maybe that does make me a sick fuck, something I freely admit. The public never sees this side of me, I’m the proper wife, mom, whatever…but finding this world gave me some answers to questions I’ve harbored ALL my life, from the time I was 8, 9 years old and having fantasies about being tied up, forced….It maybe “sick” but it is a part of who I am–a submissive pain slut, and a fully contributing member of vanilla society.
I struggle too, with the thought that someone would take one of my stories as “permission” to really abduct a person, to harm them thinking that my fantasies were like theirs and they could really bring them to life. We, you and I, and our Dominants, all use the same basic fundamental rule — consent. No matter what my Dom does to me, within the realm of the D/s world, it’s all okay because I have consented to the experience–short of death of dismemberment, of course. 😀 Trust is such a part of this, too, and that may also be a component that the vanilla world doesn’t fully “grok”…the inherent openness, the ability to talk about our sexual proclivities with each other, to set guidelines, safewords, etcetera. In many ways I don’t see this happening in vanilladom. Maybe that should be the goal, to find an open forum for sexual dialogue…and to be accepting that others may well be wired differently.
nilla
You make valid points, and I agree with you. Being who I am in this sexual space and as a submissive has freed me to be more myself, even in the vanilla world – gained confidence, assurance, and even peace of mind (no more whirling, spiraling, out-of-control thoughts – or it’s rare, at least) but it’s nothing a side of myself I can confidently show the non-erotic part of my world.
Maybe we are sick fucks, but I’d say we tend to be happier than those who are repressing their sexuality and pretending to be something they’re not as well as the ones who are scared of sex and refuse to think about it or talk about it.