The Pendulum Swings

I had my moment of acceptance yesterday. I had my moment of power. I went out for the night with my friends and had an excellent drink or two filled with Jack Daniels whiskey.

It’s been a rough year personally and professionally – whiskey is the perfect way to end it, I think.

I chose to go out with people who don’t drink, don’t do the bar scene, and don’t stay out too late – I have two little boys to raise, I have to make it home alive at the end of the night.

We had dinner; we laughed; I threatened to dance on tables – much more alcohol is needed for that.

We saw Les Miserables, and I cried like a baby. I now want to see it on stage more than ever.

We joked and teased, we three women with our own reasons to be sad last night.

The pendulum finally swung back while I drove home. I fruitlessly tried to find a place where I could get ice cream. What can I say, I’m an emotional eater. I didn’t want to go home. The idea of an empty house didn’t appeal to me. My boys had been gone just over 12 hours, and I wished they were home with me.

I went to bed before midnight so I didn’t have to ring in the new year alone.

This isn’t about him. This isn’t about grieving a lost love. This is about me.

This is about a holiday that is supposed to represent a rebirth, a change, growth – and there was no one to share it with. It made me sad.

Today, however, is a new day. In my neck of the woods, the sun is shining, the temperature isn’t frigid cold, and I have the opportunity to begin a new year on my terms.

I don’t make resolutions, but I typically set goals. My goals are no different than they were yesterday – get the new job, get out of the insanity I work in, move my family, and make a better life. Today, though, is my chance to start fresh with me, just me.

On this first day of 2013, I choose to get up and return to the living. I choose to take it all in and not fret that I can’t control the direction, that I can’t control the outcome. All I can do is make the best possible decisions and hang on for the ride. Everything I do everyday is for my children regardless of the time of day, month, or year. But today, in 2013, everything I do is for me, too.

The pendulum swings yet again.