‘Tis the season…for stressing out about gift-giving, figuring out if you’ll visit friends and family (and how to do it without catching the plague), and spending whatever time you have off doing a million and one things you don’t have time for the rest of the year.
Or is that just me?
Let me offer you a few other options.
Yes, there may still be the stress and the never-ending to-do list. But if you take just a few minutes every day for some of what’s on this list, you might be less angsty and actually enjoy the holidays. Or simply have a few minutes when you don’t have to care about anything but what feels good.
Read Smut
Smut comes in so many forms. Sex blogs of personal experiences, high fantasy books promoted all over TikTok, self-published gems on Amazon, and old-school smut published literal decades ago. Whatever flavor of smut you like, read it.
Reading doesn’t just mean picking up a paperback, either. Ebooks and audiobooks both make partaking in the smut more discreet and easier for anyone who struggles with reading words on paper. And if you want the audio experience paired with the sex blog experience, you’ve got to check out Girl on the Net’s audio porn project.
Watch Smut
Yes, porn. Or your favorite cam model/porn star who goes online at some point just to turn you on and get you off. Let your second cousin’s aunt’s grandma think you’re using the bathroom. Take three minutes to watch a quick clip of something sexy on your phone.
Hell, watch it in your car before you put yourself through the hell that is retail right before Christmas. As long as you don’t make a mess you can’t clean up, you’ll definitely be more relaxed and “joyful” while you shop.
Masturbate
Not gonna lie. I’ve become the type of person who has to put this on my to-do list if I ever want it to get done. I’m literally planning it in my head two days before I rub one out.
“Okay, at this time, on this day, I don’t have a deadline, and the kids will be gone, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally get off.”
Hopefully, you’re not like me, and can just rub one out on a whim. But if not, add masturbation on your holiday to-do list, right before “wrap gifts” and just after “get a picture of the dog with Santa.”
Look at Naked People Online
You’ll want to make sure no one’s staring over your shoulder for this one. Although my attitude tends to be that if they’re going to be so fucking nosy, they’ll have to live with the consequences of what they see. (Aren’t we in a time of six feet of distance? If they can see what’s on my screen, they’re too fucking close anyway.)
Looking at nude pictures is one way I know John Brownstone likes to unwind. (I know because I can see what’s on his computer screen. Ironic, right?)
If you like your sexiness to be visual (I’m a reader, personally), but don’t want the potential noise of moans, screams, and “Oh god, fuck me harder,” images are a better option.
You’ve already got all that practice and thumb strength from doom scrolling social media. You’ve been preparing all year for this moment. Put that training to good use and scroll through sexy pics.
Phone Sex
This one goes out to everyone who can’t physically be with their partner. Plan a phone sex date. John Brownstone and I used to do this all the time when we were in a long-distance relationship. And yes, we absolutely planned fuckery and phone sex for “special occasions” like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.
You’ll need to make sure you have privacy – and a lock on the door – if you have parents, children, friends, or nosy pets in your home.
Masturbate in silence or have a full roleplay scene with just your voices. It doesn’t matter what you do. All that matters is that you feel good, have fun, and get a moment to reconnect.
Play with a Sex Toy
Did you take advantage of those sweet, sweet Black Friday deals to get a new sex toy? Is it languishing in the box because you don’t have time to open the damn thing up, charge it, and play? (Or is that just me again?)
Do you have an old favorite that you never have time to play with?
Either way, plug it in or put in fresh batteries and make a damn date with yourself. The aforementioned privacy and lock are important here, too.
You don’t have to get yourself off. You just have to feel good and take a few minutes to think of something other than all the things you haven’t finished doing yet. That you might have a mind-blowing, bone-crunching, muscle-spasming orgasm is a bonus.
Bottom Line
The folks who usually read my blog might find this “advice” pretty basic. Hell, it seems obvious to me as I read back over it. But as someone who keeps forgetting sex is a thing I used to enjoy and that orgasms exist, I figure I’m not the only one who could use the reminder. Especially at a season that’s marketed to us as a “time of joy and togetherness” when it’s most often a time to panic buy whatever’s on sale at CVS, scribble your name at the bottom of a card you didn’t even read, and figure out how you’re going to either eat five Christmas dinners in one day or make a single dinner for people who will barely fucking taste it – and likely won’t help with the dishes afterward.
Stopping to enjoy sexy things can be the reward for surviving all the “Christmas spirit” wafting around.
Post sponsored by PornPics.com
Holidays, gifts, fuss.. You’re right, it’s better to prepare for them in advance. Think over everything in advance, buy gifts in advance, prepare greeting cards in advance .. But how many of us are ready for such a feat? And here comes the fuss again..