No Thank You, Nature #WickedWednesday

We have a joke around here when I’m forced to go outside.

“Ahh! Nature just touched me!”

Whether it’s an errant leaf, a lizard that jumped from the screen door onto my arm (true story), or the dead fish that was dropped by a bird and landed next to my car (another true story), I’m not thrilled to be too close to “nature.” Oh, don’t get me wrong, I find it beautiful to look at, I’m fascinated by beautiful plants and animals, and I will work in our yard, go to the beach, and basically be outside.

But I’m not excited about it.

Having sex outside? Sometimes the thought is kind of a turn on when I see pictures or read some smut. But then the practical side of my mind starts working.

Bark on my knees would hurt. What if a bug crawled on me while we fucked? Sticks poke, and that’s not sexy. What if dirt (or bugs) got in a sensitive place?!

Yeah, I can suck all the fun out of sex in nature. But it’s not completely my fault. Experience taught me that only bad things happen when you get naked outside.

My one and only surgery (so far in life) was to remove a pilonidal cyst from my tailbone area when I was 16. The diagnosis was horrible and painful and is still the only time (other than childbirth) I ever screamed while a doctor examined me. What the hell has this got to do with nature?

Well, after taking a look, opening it up, and declaring the only option was to remove it surgically, the doctor told my mother that in coastal areas like ours, it happens a lot because of all the time we spend at beaches and on the water. A grain or two of sand can clog a pore and before you know it, pain, agony, and an inability to sit – as well as a cool-looking scar that I still have to this day.

Right there, ass out, in the exam room, I flashed back a few weeks. I’d gone to a river with my then-boyfriend. We’d fooled around in a secluded area. I let him pull my swimsuit nearly off. My ass had been all up in that sand. Looking back, I was always glad I stopped before we fucked – what would have happened if sand had decided to take up residence in my pussy?! (I’m not going to think about that.)

That was also the moment I discovered nature might not be my friend and even a little foreplay on a beach (never mind all that rolling around we see in erotic imagery and porn) was probably a really bad idea.

So, no, I’m not a huge fan of nature, even as I can appreciate it’s beauty and be awed by what I see. I’ll stick my fingers in the dirt to plant a flower (if I have to). I’ll rake leaves. I didn’t even scream when the lizard landed on me.

But I’m not spending a lot of time in it. I’m not sleeping in it. (My idea of camping is a really shitty motel.) And I’m definitely not interested in getting naked in it.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is about our sexy or not-so-sexy tales of nature. I’m gonna say this one was a not-so-sexy tale, but it’s all true (sadly). If you’d like some actual smut, click below.