John Brownstone and I fell into a rut. Sure, we were “Babygirl” and “Daddy” because we’re always that. Yes, we fucked…occasionally. But we were off in our little worlds, doing our own thing, and the D/s connection we like to maintain was under serious strain.
Nothing was wrong. We weren’t arguing. On the surface and from a non-kinky perspective everything was “fine.” But part of my joy and love for D/s is that things go beyond “fine” in this relationship. We connect with each other on a different level through our power exchange.
It’s not a role. It’s not play. This is who we are.
But we – as anyone else this happens to – can be forgiven that we let the mundane get in the way. It happens. Nothing major or catastrophic has to occur in order to lose a bit of the spark and connection. What matters is what you do once you realize you have.
For us, it’s a multi-step process and it’s part of the hard work of maintaining the solid kinky relationship we both want.
Acknowledge the Disconnect
“I haven’t felt very submissive lately, Daddy.”
“I haven’t very Dominant, either, Babygirl.” He sounded exhausted, a feeling I understood well.
Well, at least we were on the same page. Hindsight being what it is, I could see what had happened when I looked back over the past few weeks.
I argued with him about decisions more often. He would respond with, “You can do what you want” when I asked for his input – and not in a loving Domly way. More like the hounded partner who just wants the question to go away and thinks anything he says will be wrong. Ugh, I was married to that (so was he), it’s not a place we like to be.
This went on for a few weeks in small ways. Little details don’t always matter until they pile on top of each other.
Missed tasks. Protocols not kept. Missed opportunities for kinky play. We were having routine sex on routine nights in routine ways. Basically we felt vanilla – not our favorite flavor.
Saying what we were feeling out loud was a good step in stopping the disconnect.
Make Time for Kinky Moments
For us, we reconnect in a big way through a scene or serious kinky fuckery. Playing out a fantasy, dirty talk, or just a hard as hell spanking will often do the trick. And when life gets busy, it’s also the first thing to get dropped (which is part of the problem).
Sure, we could have talked about how we were feeling (and we did, later) but it was important for us to physically feel our identity as Dom and sub. First there was some hardcore, wild, crazy sex. Then, John Brownstone planned a big scene.
I think if he’d tried to plan it a week before, he would have felt overwhelmed with everything else on his plate or that he didn’t have time. If he’d tried to do anything before admitting he wasn’t feeling himself, this would have been harder to do. But actively saying out loud that we didn’t feel ourselves was a catalyst to action.
If we didn’t want to feel vanilla, and we wanted to feel kinky, we’d have to do something about it. Gawd, and we did.
Talk It Out
After the kinky fuckery, saying, “Yes Daddy” to whatever he asked was immediately easier. Asking me to do something was easier for him, too. We’d physically re-entered the D/s space and the mental part followed.
I was more pliant and willing, ready to jump at the chance to serve instead of feeling bothered by the “interruption.” He was quick to tell me what he thought or what he wanted and let me know if he I wasn’t moving fast enough. We were back to teasing each other and being playful.
At that point, we could talk about how we felt and how we let our kinky connection slip a little. And I really do mean just a little. This wasn’t a total derailment. Just a course correction.
He admitted to feeling more swamped than he let on with his side business. I acknowledged that my own plans and goals had been my main focus. It’s okay to have your own thing to work towards and explore (it’s great, actually) – professionally or personally – but you have to make time for your relationship, too. We’d been going through the motions but not paying attention to each other or communicating outside of the day-to-day stuff.
But now, after acknowledging the feeling and physically getting kinky, it was easy to discuss our feelings and what had lead to that point.
And that, from my perspective, is part of the “hard work” of relationships. In order to maintain a relatively happy, healthy D/s relationship, you have to be on the lookout for those moments of disconnect. No, you won’t always see them immediately, but it’s much better to deal with them after a few weeks than after a few years.
Communication makes BDSM, kink, and D/s work – in a scene, in negotiations, and while maintaining your relationship. You’re not done talking once you figure out your power exchange and your limits. At that point, you’re just getting started.
That’s how we do it. How do you find your D/s center after you experience a disconnect in your kinky relationship?