For someone who spent most of her high school years guarding her virginity like it was a priceless entity, I’ve become loose with the term as an adult.
I was a coffee-virgin – until John Brownstone showed me how to drink it and like it.
I was a kink-virgin.
I was a BDSM dungeon virgin until I wasn’t.
I was a Doctor Who virgin until last year (and I became an immediate convert).
To me, being a virgin just means I haven’t done something yet, lacking experience.
Yes, yes, I know, I know. “Virgin” refers to a lack of sexual activity. But since no one can agree on when and where you can lose your virginity anymore, I have no qualms about using it liberally in non-sexual discourse. Are you still a virgin if you have anal or oral sex? Or does any penetration take away your virginity? What about fingering? Ahhhhhh! I say someone is no longer a virgin when they say they’re not a virgin anymore.
If we use the definition that we’ve applied to popular culture of simply a lack of experience (typically sexual), can you truly lose your virginity? I hope we’re not all talking about the removal of a hymen as proof of “losing virginity” because not everyone has a hymen.
And if we define it as “losing your sexual inexperience,” doesn’t that mean – conversely – you’re gaining something?
So where am I going with this? Hell if I know.
I’m glad I didn’t “lose” my virginity before I was 18. Knowing who I was back then, I probably wouldn’t have handled it very well. I either would have been riddled with guilt or I would have gone buck wild and fucked almost any interested and willing partner with a cock – which is what I did. At 18, I could sort of handle it, but any earlier than that, and I probably would have wound up pregnant.
But I also don’t think virginity is something to guard as if it’s the most precious thing about who we are. Our innocence, our consent, our sense of self-worth and self-preservation – those are precious and special.
Our virginity is a state of being, one only we can define. Yes, it can define our innocence and when taken brutally and without consent, it is an awful violation. (But when non-virgin sex is taken without consent, it’s still an awful violation.)
Am I going to freak out if my kids (both boys) have sex at “too young” an age? Definitely. Can I define “too young?” Not really. Age 14 or younger definitely feels too young. But hell, when they’re 16 or 18 or 25, I might think they’re too young. But, in my freak out, will I degrade them, call them names, or tie their sense of worth to whether they’re virgins or not? Uh…no.
Do I think they should wait for marriage? Nope. I think they should wait until they’re ready. And by ready, I mean able to take responsibility for their actions and make responsible decisions – like understanding consent, wearing a condom, and not being a total douche and leaving in the middle of the night without a word. Do I really think that will happen if they have sex while in high school? Probably not. Except the condom thing. They better use a damn condom. Double-bag it, if necessary.
But will they lose worth in my eyes or their own once they’re no longer a virgin? Hell no. Once I figure it out (and I’m a Mom, we always figure stuff out eventually), they’ll gain more than sexual experience. They’ll gain someone who reminds them to take condoms with them when they go out, who takes them to get tested every several months, and who constantly reminds them how babies are made. Basically, I’ll be the best sex-deterrent I know how to be…
Not because I think sex under a certain age or outside of marriage is wrong. But there are very real consequences that come with sexual activity, and until they’re ready to assume those responsibilities, I’m gonna ride their ass about being safe.
And, at the same time, I’ll continue my irreverence with all things “virgin.” I’m still a menage virgin, a tandem bike virgin, and a Trenta Frappucino virgin (but I’m a Venti frap whore, lol).
Instead of guarding the lack of experience like we’re security guards at a Las Vegas casino, let’s have real conversations about sexual activity and safety. Because, let’s face it, people are gonna have sex – sometimes at ages those of us with more experience consider much too young. We could shame them – which solves nothing. Or we could help them protect themselves which is a better outcome for everyone.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is “Virgin(ity).” I’m still feeling a little unsexy, so here you go. My only vaguely informed thoughts on all things virgin. As someone with two kids, 10 and 6, it’s something that’s on the radar but not the way it will be once puberty hits. The oldest isn’t ready to talk about certain things with me but he knows he can ask anything. So far, sex and being a virgin haven’t come up in conversation…yet.
Loved this post.
Thanks, Jayne!
I totally agree with this, 100%:
“Instead of guarding the lack of experience like we’re security guards at a Las Vegas casino, let’s have real conversations about sexual activity and safety. Because, let’s face it, people are gonna have sex – sometimes at ages those of us with more experience consider much too young. We could shame them – which solves nothing. Or we could help them protect themselves which is a better outcome for everyone.”
Love your attitude towards your boys 🙂
Rebel xox
Thanks, Marie. I’m trying to give them what I wish I’d had when I was younger. I really don’t want them to wait until they’re in their 30s to enjoy sex in a healthy way. 🙂
I think we put too much stock into virginity and not enough into education. I also spent most of my childhood and teen years “protecting” something that had already been taken away from me… I was molested at age 3 and again at 9 and then raped by a boyfriend when I was 14. Does that mean I lost my virginity when I was three? I didn’t willingly have sex until I was 19, but that doesn’t mean it was the first time a penis had been in my vagina. I felt guilty about these events my entire life and I am now 64. What a total waste of time. The guilt and fear we install in kids, especially girls is insane. My daughter became sexually active at age 15 and told me all about it, in vivid detail. But I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to do so. And I’m glad she had that experience, because she died when she was 16. What good would it have done her to “guard and save” her virginity until she was older and married and neither was going to happen for her. Instead we need to teach kids to respect each other, to know how to have a relationship (vanilla and kinky), to not fear and feel guilty about their sexual urges, to take responsibility for health and avoiding pregnancy. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. We are sexual beings even as children. The only time sex is not acceptable is when it’s forced on someone, it should always be consensual.
Rose, I just want to wrap you up in big warm hugs. (((HUGS))) With everything you’ve shared here, you have the best attitude about sex, even after all you’ve been through. And I agree completely – it’s meant to be enjoyed and lack of consent is always, always, ALWAYS wrong. (((HUGS)))
Thanks, Kayla.. I’ve been following your blog for almost two years now and you’ve helped me deal with my past as well as my present of being a submissive. I’m enjoying sex so much more now than I ever did when I was younger. It’s too bad I couldn’t learn all of these things then, such a waste of time and energy with my fears and guilt about it all. Now I’m watching my granddaughters go through the same thing, still getting these same negative attitudes about sex from the adults around them. My granddaughters are 14 and 17 and are being told to “save themselves for marriage” and “keep their legs closed”. Insanity.
Insanity is right. It almost always backfires, and then they’re the ones left with guilt about what they think they should have done vs. what they actually did. Be the cool grandma – maybe they’ll come to you when reality actually hits. 🙂
I am trying. They live on the other side of the state and are very influenced by their other grandmother who is giving them these messages. But I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open so they know they can come to me and talk to me about anything.
As soon as my kids were old enough we taught condoms, condoms, condoms. We taught my son that no means no and forcing the issue with a girl is rape. We taught my daughter not to get into a situation she wasn’t ready to handle. It’s hard to stop when something feels good so don’t go there until you’re ready. I was taught that you save yourself for marriage. I was a virgin until I was 18 and even then it was with a long time virgin. I had to lie to my parents and sneak around. That’s never a good thing.
Be open, honest and age appropriate with your children about sexuality and being safe. I hate to tell you this because your son is 10, but my son recently confided in me (he’s 24) that he got his first blow job in summer camp at age 11! He was so freaked out. Try to get him to talk, because they are messing around younger and younger. If he won’t talk to you, maybe an outing with John will help him open up.
We (attempt to) talk about this kind of stuff with him all the time. We’re battling embarrassment (his not ours) right now but he is constantly reminded he can tell us anything, and I try to ask probing questions – when his baby brother isn’t paying too much attention. The oldest will stop a conversation if he thinks it isn’t “appropriate” for a 6 year old. I have no doubt he’ll have experiences he’ll never tell me or John about (unfortunately) but at least he’ll know he always can. I might do a lot of things like my parents did, but this won’t be one of them.
Well said Kayla. I rather enjoy this side of you. This is your hardass Mama voice. I love it. You are a strong voice for sexual health and positivity. I am delighted that you instill that in your children too.
Thanks, Eugene. I want them to have a better education than I had.
love it!
With my daughters i always add that it can be very emotional and there is a double standard how people may talk about you. I also caution about getting pregnant and being tied to a douche-bag for the rest of your life.
just know the possible consequences 🙂
The pregnant thing is no joke with boys, too. You remind them about douche-bags (I’m stuck with one of those, too), and I’ll keep hammering home that this mom isn’t raising grandchildren. Between us (and others like us), maybe we can get our kids to protect themselves better.
Yes! So many thumbs up. ????
😀
I love this! I agree 100% that we need to educate kids about responsibility, not preach abstinence (which never works, anyway…)
I plan to do the same in my household — I want kids to know that sex can be beautiful and a wonderful part of life, as long as it’s done with respect, reverence and protection. 🙂
Exactly! I had a little bit of the talk with my oldest yesterday. He walked away muttering, “There goes my childhood.” God, he’s so my child…but I will make sure his education is better than mine was!
“let’s have real conversations about sexual activity and safety. Because, let’s face it, people are gonna have sex” Abso-fucking-lutely! We so need more of this, education and open dialogue are the key to happy and successful sex lives in my opinion
Mollyxxx
I agree. Most of the sexual issues many people face is because they’re so damned repressed. They’ve been taught to think it’s bad or should always remain locked away behind closed doors (while there’s definitely an argument to be made for that), it’s part of the human experience, and we need to be able to talk about it.
Your last few sentences sum it up perfectly for me. Education and consent are the most important thing for me.
With both, sex and life are much better for everyone.
you ALWAYS put it best, love this post…
Awww, thank you!