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Dominants Who Give Oral Are Still Dominant

nude man sitting on floor providing oral sex for nude woman in chair

Never has a topic jumped out at me before like this one. For the third time in a week, I saw a discussion thread online asking kinksters their opinions on whether a Dominant giving oral sex still made them Dominant.

Before my eyes rolled so hard they nearly fell out of my head, and before I heaved a huge sigh of exasperation, I clenched my jaw at whoever keeps propagating this bullshit. Not the person asking the question (poor thing, they were worried they were somehow less Dominant) but at whoever let this idea out into the world.

It’s funny, I’m not one to see things in black or white. Pardon the phrase, but nearly everything is a shade of gray to me. In my mind there are often exceptions to every rule, reasons for things we might not understand, and ways of doing things that I don’t understand but accept. But something about this one just pisses me off.

Dominants are Still In Control Even When They’re Going Down

Regardless of how John Brownstone chooses to give me an orgasm – hand, cock, toy, or tongue – my orgasms still belong to him. I have to beg for permission during or receive permission before he begins before I can orgasm. I swear to gawd, one of his greatest pleasures in life is hearing my voice raise three octaves as I screech out a “Please, Daddy, can I come” without coming completely unglued or having an orgasm without permission. (Try getting eaten out with tongue/teeth on your clit, knowing you can’t come without permission, and two kids sleeping down the hallway – and then tell me he’s not Dominant.)

He’s my Dominant and my Daddy. He gives and takes pleasure. I receive it and I give it, but I never just take it. That’s how we roll, y’all. So when he’s giving me oral sex, he’s still fully in control – even when my thighs are clamped so hard around his head that he probably can’t see, hear, or breathe.

Dominants Give as Much as or More than They Take

Anyone who tries to tell you that Dominants only take and don’t give anything to their submissives is an abusive asshole and needs to be called out as such before being avoided like the plague. The reason Dominance and submission works is because both parties are receiving some sort of pleasure. Even if the pleasure for the submissive is about being used, it is still pleasure. A “Dominant” (notice the quotes?) who refuses to contemplate giving pleasure to their submissive – or making sure they receive it at some point – is just another wannabe in my mind. An arrogant asshole.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Not every D/s partnership is a love match. And yes, some people play really, really hard. But even then, the submissive should receive some pleasure from the scene – either from the play itself, the pain (assuming that’s part of it), the mindfuck, or just knowing they’re serving their Dominant.

If a Dominant refuses to give something like oral because they perceive giving pleasure to their submissive a weakness, that submissive needs to kick them to the curb and go find a good Dominant.

Dominance is about more than getting your rocks off with a submissive. Both partners should find their own pleasure in the partnership, the relationship, and/or the play. If you’re not into oral for your own reasons, that’s one thing. But if you’re told you “shouldn’t” expect oral from a Dominant (or on the flip side, as a Dominant you “shouldn’t” give oral to your submissive) think again and know that advice is bullshit.

No, not every moment in a D/s relationship is about pleasure. A lot of good Doms really hate punishing their submissives, and I know submissives really don’t like being told no (unless it’s part of the kinky play). But in this one thing, oral sex, a Dominant who gives it is still just as Dominant as they are when they receive it.

Kneel before me never below me

Post updated: January 10, 2019

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • ah, those people who want to put parameters on D/s relationships. Real these don’t do that…(add in sub or Dom at will, there)…

    frankly, it’s no one’s business what a Dom and sub do to receive pleasure. My M gives oral from time to time as well…because He wants to…and it’s all about what He wants. And He is really good about giving me pleasure too. On HIS terms…but that’s all part of our package.

    peoples who say someone is less Dom or less sub because they don’t work within specific guidelines of what a Dom or a sub “should” be or do? Have no idea how this stuff really works.

    And they need to get a life and stop sticking their noses in other peoples privates, yanno?

    (can you tell this makes me hot under the collar too?)

    (pun intended)



  • One of the most important things I have learned on this journey is that just as every man and woman in the world are different, so indeed are the relationships of every Dominant and submissive. The way we live our lives may be different from the way in which you and John live yours but neither of them are wrong. Having said that, so much of what you wrote above rang true for me. There is no position we have sex in that makes my Master any less Dominant or me less submissive and that includes when He wants me on top of Him.

    Some of those online discussions make my eyes roll out of my head too!

  • Amen sister!! While I am all about pleasing Daddy, if I wasn’t also receiving pleasure ( of various forms ) I wouldn’t be here.
    I have read those same sort of ridiculous comments since my early days of being in the BDSM life and culture…. and I’m glad you are making a strong statement of just how wrong that is.

    Go girl ! xoxo

  • I saw the same threads with this statement or question. I was too pissed to comment on them. I really believe those so-called Doms who say this are not Doms at all, but little pricks who only want sexual gratification for themselves. Oh, and they’re lazy shits, too. It’s a totally different story if it’s not your kink, and that needs to be discussed prior to the start of the relationship, but not because it’s not Dominant. A load of crap.

  • Who brings stuff like this up? I can’t understand why this is even an issue someone brought up. I see it the same way you do. Why is someone less because they do or don’t do something?? People talk like they are experts because of their experience. That shit annoys me.

    • Exactly!

      That’s the very reason I hesitate to say something is or is not a certain way. Just because my experience dictates that as a reality for me, doesn’t mean it holds true for everyone.

  • Omg!! The MOST submissive thing I do is receive oral from HH. It was a hard limit for me that he wanted. So I had to learn to take it and love it. What idiots. He’s ALL Dom when that activity goes down. (Giggle)

  • I actually hooked up with a Dom today after meeting him online. And we had been talking for a while and I told him “I love getting oral, it’s my favorite move in the bedroom, I would appreciate it if you did it even just once.” He said “no problem, when can I come over.” So he comes over, I bring him to orgasm twice, I’m ALMOST there (And I don’t do orgasm denial on a first time) and I ask him “can you go down?” And he just smirks and tells me “masters don’t go down.”
    1) I let him know right off the bat I don’t do 24/7, I’m only part time, I expect him to be part time and he agreed (completely ignored that rule and punished me even after we were getting dressed and we were done for not calling him his pet name afterwards and telling him don’t use my expensive mouthwash that’s impossible to find, use the cheap non brand name stuff but that’s another rant for another day) so the fact he’s calling himself “master”… no.
    2) Like you agreed to do it??? If you didn’t believe in going down then why bother telling me you would???
    3) He also stole my favorite crop AFTER he intentionally broke the feather off it and that has nothing to do with this blog post it just pissed me off and I’m out $35 and it’s not like I can go ranting to my friends about it so I had to get it out.
    ANYWAY I was seriously wondering if denying oral to a sub was a common thing in the BDSM a world but apperently, and thankfully, not.

    • Wow he sounds like a real piece of work. And uh yeah, masters can and do go down. Glad I could help clear that up for you – John Brownstone has all the control and power even when he’s giving me oral, I assure you.

      • Yeah he also ignored one of my hard limits (choking) demanded I called him sir from the first second we started talking pretty much, wanted to jump right into the kinky stuff even while talking online without getting to know one another, he didn’t even know my name until he got to my place) and pretty much half of what you listed as “how you can tell he’s an asshole not a Dom” this guy met so… yeah don’t think imma see him again.

  • Oh how does going down on a sub make you less of a Dom ?!?! Mine has very strict rules about oral! No touching him without asking, no touching myself without asking, no coming without begging (and I mean begging?). He even uses it a punishment (hands on bed for the first how ever long) . Silly people!

    Awdw x

  • Is it the same thing if my Dom thinks it’s degrading for him to eat my ass? I’ve gotten my pussy ate by 3 different guys, never got close to cumming, but I LOVE having my ass licked. So what if he finds that degrading? It did kind of bum me out, but I originally agreed on a relationship where we focused on his pleasure (It pleasures me immensely to please him, dont get me wrong) but I mean I’ve only had my ass eaten once and to think it will never happen again, it’s a bit hard at age 18 lol

    • Well, first of all, nothing is forever, so even at such a young age, it’s highly unlikely that it will NEVER happen again for you.

      John Brownstone would lick my ass all day long if it was something *I* wanted, and he’s definitely a dominant man. So the act itself isn’t “degrading” or “submissive.” But certain acts can make us feel a certain way until we learn more about them – even if we decide we don’t like them, how we view them (aka “degrading”) may change over time.

      And as for your partner’s reaction, it could be a hard limit of his – even if that’s not quite how he’s expressing himself. He may just not like it at all. But if it’s something that you really enjoy and it’s something you feel you need, you should talk to him about it and find out if there’s any other way you can have that need fulfilled – maybe with another partner IF both of you are okay with the idea of an open relationship.

  • […] I also frequently go on rants because people are made to feel that normal, healthy desires or sexual activities can’t have a place in BDSM. For anyone who doesn’t have the time for all that, here’s a […]

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