Never has a topic jumped out at me before like this one. For the third time in a week, I saw a discussion thread online asking kinksters their opinions on whether a Dominant giving oral sex still made them Dominant.
Before my eyes rolled so hard they nearly fell out of my head, and before I heaved a huge sigh of exasperation, I clenched my jaw at whoever keeps propagating this bullshit. Not the person asking the question (poor thing, they were worried they were somehow less Dominant) but at whoever let this idea out into the world.
It’s funny, I’m not one to see things in black or white. Pardon the phrase, but nearly everything is a shade of gray to me. In my mind there are often exceptions to every rule, reasons for things we might not understand, and ways of doing things that I don’t understand but accept. But something about this one just pisses me off.
Dominants are Still In Control Even When They’re Going Down
Regardless of how John Brownstone chooses to give me an orgasm – hand, cock, toy, or tongue – my orgasms still belong to him. I have to beg for permission during or receive permission before he begins before I can orgasm. I swear to gawd, one of his greatest pleasures in life is hearing my voice raise three octaves as I screech out a “Please, Daddy, can I come” without coming completely unglued or having an orgasm without permission. (Try getting eaten out with tongue/teeth on your clit, knowing you can’t come without permission, and two kids sleeping down the hallway – and then tell me he’s not Dominant.)
He’s my Dominant and my Daddy. He gives and takes pleasure. I receive it and I give it, but I never just take it. That’s how we roll, y’all. So when he’s giving me oral sex, he’s still fully in control – even when my thighs are clamped so hard around his head that he probably can’t see, hear, or breathe.
Dominants Give as Much as or More than They Take
Anyone who tries to tell you that Dominants only take and don’t give anything to their submissives is an abusive asshole and needs to be called out as such before being avoided like the plague. The reason Dominance and submission works is because both parties are receiving some sort of pleasure. Even if the pleasure for the submissive is about being used, it is still pleasure. A “Dominant” (notice the quotes?) who refuses to contemplate giving pleasure to their submissive – or making sure they receive it at some point – is just another wannabe in my mind. An arrogant asshole.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not every D/s partnership is a love match. And yes, some people play really, really hard. But even then, the submissive should receive some pleasure from the scene – either from the play itself, the pain (assuming that’s part of it), the mindfuck, or just knowing they’re serving their Dominant.
If a Dominant refuses to give something like oral because they perceive giving pleasure to their submissive a weakness, that submissive needs to kick them to the curb and go find a good Dominant.
Dominance is about more than getting your rocks off with a submissive. Both partners should find their own pleasure in the partnership, the relationship, and/or the play. If you’re not into oral for your own reasons, that’s one thing. But if you’re told you “shouldn’t” expect oral from a Dominant (or on the flip side, as a Dominant you “shouldn’t” give oral to your submissive) think again and know that advice is bullshit.
No, not every moment in a D/s relationship is about pleasure. A lot of good Doms really hate punishing their submissives, and I know submissives really don’t like being told no (unless it’s part of the kinky play). But in this one thing, oral sex, a Dominant who gives it is still just as Dominant as they are when they receive it.
Post updated: January 10, 2019
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