Cupid’s Advice

When the lovely, amazing, kinky ladies over at Vagina Antics put out a call for a blog hop/share/thing about Cupid for Valentine’s Day, I knew I had to join in. And not just because I adore them for giving me a legitimate reason to use the phrase “warm vagina” on a regular basis. I could have gone with Cupid did me right or Cupid did me wrong. Instead I went with some tough love from Cupid. I have a feeling if that guy is real, he shakes his head at us silly humans looking for love a lot. If you want to check out the other blogs, make sure to read Heather Cole’s post.

“Goddamnit, fat boy, how did you let me get mixed up with that one?”

Lily paced her tiny apartment living room until she thought she would scream, railing against Cupid, damn his ass. Then she paced around her bedroom, picking up random things that belonged to her cheating, lying ex-boyfriend, the one who turned out to be…exactly like her mother said he would. Fuck!

Grant was supposed to be the one. He had it all. A stable job with decent income, his own home, no kids, and, even better, he was delicious looking. Her mouth had watered at first glance. Okay, if she was honest, more than just her mouth watered. She was always wet and ready when he came around.

“And apparently, that’s all he wanted. Damn it, Cupid, I thought we’d had this talk before. No more cheaters!”

“That wasn’t my arrow, you silly wench.” Lily spun around in shock to see a strange man leaning against her doorframe. “You were thinking with that eager little pussy of yours again.”

“Who? What? Get out!” She opened her mouth prepared to scream the place down.

With a flash, he was gone. What the hell had happened? Was she hallucinating?

“I have no intentions of shooting you with one of my precious arrows until you get your shit together.”

Lily whirled around and saw the mystery-man standing by her bedroom window.

“Who the fuck are you? What do you want? I’ll tase your ass if you come anywhere near me!” Fumbling with her nightstand, Lily frantically searched for something to defend herself.

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’ve half a mind to shoot you now and make you fall in love with me. That’d serve you right.”

All Lilly heard was “shoot” and she was ready to dial 9-1-1.

“STOP!” His voice sounded like a sonic boom going off in her bedroom. Her windows rattled, a car alarm went off somewhere in the parking lot. But he managed to penetrate Lily’s panic.

“I just flashed from one side of the room to the other. I used my big boy voice. And I’m talking about arrows and love.” He sighed again. “Has it occured to you yet that I might be otherworldly?”

Lily’s jaw hung slack and open. Words and thoughts were impossible to form. She knew he was right, but she had to be dreaming. She just had to be.

“Cupid?” The question came out as a squeak.

“The one and only, baby.” He smirked, then frowned. “And I don’t appreciate the ‘fat boy’ comments. I’m as body positive as the next guy, but I worked fucking hard for this.” He lifted the bottom of his shirt and showed off a hairy paunch.

One eyebrow quirked up? “You worked hard for that?”

“Hey! I lost 75 pounds in two months with diet, exercise, and maybe a bit of supernatural powers. Whatev. Don’t judge.”

Lily let a giggle slip. When she suspended belief long enough to admit that maybe Cupid really was standing in her bedroom, she had to admit he was a funny smart ass. Then she realized that if this was Cupid, she was also talking to the asshole pairing her up with the liars and cheats.

“You need to get the fuck out of here, Cupid.” She could feel her face burning in anger. Tears weren’t far behind. “I really liked that last one. Grant looked like a Greek god, he bought me dinner, and he still slept with three other women during our relationship!”

“Relationship?” Cupid snorted. “You met at a bar. Had drinks the next night and fucked regularly for an entire month. You call that a relationship?”

“Well, yeah!” Hearing his assessment of her time with Grant made her realize the ridiculousness of what she was saying. “He could have been a good one, damn it!”

“Look, little girl, I’m going to give you some damn advice.” Cupid brought himself to his full and impressive height of nearly seven feet tall. “You need to get your fucking priorities straight and then maybe I’ll help you find some real love.”

She sputtered and squeaked in outrage. How dare he? How fucking dare he?

“You need some straight talk, and I guess it’s me that’s going to give it to you. Let’s start with number one – do you even like yourself?”

Lily’s face flamed with heat and anger.

He continued. “Two, do you realize how beautiful and desirable you really are?”

Lily blushed with embarassment. Now he was just trying to flatter her.

“Three, do you want someone who fucks you well or someone you can talk to, laugh with, and who fucks you well?”

She stared at her shoes. When was the last time she met a man she could talk to?

Cupid sighed, sensing that tears were coming. “And finally, how can you really love someone if you don’t really love you?”

Ugly, loud sobs tore through Lily, shaking her entire body. She covered her face with her hands, desperate not to let even Cupid see the pain and sorrow.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry my words hurt.” Cupid flashed to her side and gathered her in his arms. “You’re a beautiful, funny, smart woman. You deserve the absolute best, and I’ve been watching and waiting for you to realize it, too. I promise I never sent Grant or Brent or any of the others your way. You picked them because you don’t think you’re worth better. But you are.”

He held her away from him and stared down into her green eyes. “If I were in to human women, I’d want you for myself.”

She snorted. “Don’t start lying now, Cupid. It’s beneath you.”

He roared with laughter. “Oh good, a quick recovery. Yeah, I’m teasing – I like big, burly, manly men. Rawr.” He winked at her.

“So how do I make this magic happen? How do I ‘love’ myself?” Lily rolled her eyes, feeling ridiculous for even asking the question.

“I could give you the mystical wisdom thing of looking deep and blah blah blah, bullshit.” Lily giggled. “How about this? Do stuff you like. Don’t worry about being without a man. Make some damn friends, woman! Grow your confidence in your abilities.” Cupid leaned in and added, in a stage whisper, “Even if you have to fake it first.”

Lily nodded, soaking in his words. “Thank you, Cupid.”

He smiled and flashed out. Moments later he flashed back in.

“Oh, one more thing, Lily.”

“Yes, Cupid.”

“More orgasms, more porn, and buy a few new vibrators. Masturbate more, orgasm more, and worry less.”

With poof and what looked like glitter, he was gone again. Lily waited a few moments, in case he came back with any other advice.

“More orgasms and toys, huh? Well, that’s the best idea I’ve heard in ages.” With a quick grin, Lily put her phone on silent, shut the door, and, catching herself in the mirror, winked. “Yeah, I can get on board with that.”