How Porn and BDSM Helped Me #AdultSexEdMonth

A couple of weeks ago, I was trolling through the interwebz, mostly Facebook, and I came across a blog post by Chloe Thurlow. We’re erotica authors and Facebook friends, but I don’t know her well. At my quick read of the description and the comments on her post, I was prepared to be offended (which is why I should never read anything quickly). When I actually clicked on the post, I found that I couldn’t argue with her.

Porn can be damaging. Girl’s are treated as sexual objects at much too young of an age. Yes, yes, and yes to her entire post. She makes a good point, and I don’t disagree with her at all.

But there’s an another side to the coin, more to the story, and as is often the case, another perspective.

Let’s lay some ground rules here…

• I’m a 34 year old mother to two little boys who will be raised to respect all people, regardless of gender or sexuality.
• I think all sexual acts – whether the physical act or pornographic images or whatever else – must first, and foremost, come from a place of consent. Children are too young to consent, even when they’re nodding their heads in complete agreement.
• I agree that porn can be damaging to too many people – whether it’s the people they objectify or the people who begin to feel they have a right to someone’s body, time, or attention.

Ok, we’re clear on this? Good, let’s move on.

There are plenty of topics under the big umbrella of “sex” that some people think are evil, wrong, sinful (yummy!), and/or depraved. Porn and BDSM are just two in the giant world of debauchery that many find objectionable. But like most things, they aren’t all bad or all good.

Anyone’s who’s been here for more than 3 seconds knows (or can figure out) that BDSM is my sexual delicacy of choice. I’m a sexual submissive with masochistic tendencies who identifies as a babygirl. He is a sadistic Dominant who also happens to be a nurturing, caring, loving Daddy. We believe and proclaim every chance we get that all kinks are good and ok (even if they aren’t our kinks) as long as they are safe, sane, and consensual. Nothing happens without consent.

Before I was his submissive, he ordered me to love myself, to look at myself in the mirror and see my beauty. I resisted. Part of me resists to this day. But being told every single day how beautiful and desirable you are takes a toll (just as being told how ugly or unworthy you are does). We’re wired to believe the bad and reject the good, but consistent messaging still has an effect. Day after day, in a million ways, he tells me I’m beautiful, and he makes me feel beautiful until I have almost no choice but to see it for myself.

In the middle of our most animalistic fucking, he often whispers, “Who are you, girl?” The answer is ritualistic and a private thing between the two of us. But I can tell you that part of  my response is “beautiful.” I am so many things to my Daddy; beautiful is only one of them. Even at the height of our passion, though, he requires that I remind myself of my beauty.

Let’s think about this in a different way, and all you submissives out there, pay attention…he’s Daddy, a Dominant man. I’m his submissive who has ceded control over to him in a pretty big power exchange. If I refuse to accept his declarations of my beauty and desirability, am I really being a good submissive? Wrap your head around that for a few minutes…

So, there’s the BDSM side of things. And I won’t deny that there are those who use BDSM to do bad things to people. Abusers, fake Doms, even inexperienced Doms can do real damage to their submissives. New submissives don’t always have the strength to walk away or get help. Giving someone control over you, even in a small way, can have serious consequences. I will not diminish that for anyone.

And yes, as Chloe’s post (linked at the beginning) pointed out, porn can have some truly devastating effects as well. I can’t and won’t deny that. But porn helped me. I won’t deny that, either.

I’m a Tumblr junkie. The images I reblog range from kinky fuckery – rough and tumble, purely fantasy, or just sweet D/s – to puppies, kittens, and Adventure Time or Disney memes. I’m kind of all over the place.

In the beginning of my Tumblr addiction, I would have to take breaks from it because I couldn’t handle all of the beautifully air-brushed models. It was too much. After a few minutes of scrolling through the images, my self-esteem would take a hit, and I would feel completely inadequate as a woman.

And then, on a whim, I tried something else. There are fat “fetishists” out there – people who sexualize fat and get off on seeing fat people, having sex with fat people, whatever. I don’t particularly love that but who am I to judge? I decided to repurpose some of those images for myself. I began to seek out and follow Tumblr blogs who purposely posted larger, curvier, less than perfect bodies. (Side note: Why don’t I like fat fetishism? I’ve read a few too many descriptions of BBW (big, beautiful women) who are “desperate” to be fucked and loved by someone who loves fat. It’s another side of the body image coin that degrades women for the size of their body. Can’t we just like to fuck who we like to fuck – fat or skinny??)

You want to know a secret, though? Staring at those (mostly) pornographic images helped. Some of the women still have bodies I may never have. Ever heard of London Andrews? Holy hell, she’s fucking gorgeous.

Consistently looking at pictures of larger women, imperfect women, women with bodies like mine did something amazing for me. It normalized my own body. Other women have stretch marks, fat rolls, dimples, pasty skin – just like me. Some of the images are selfies that women post of themselves for their own reasons. Some of the images are without a doubt pornographic in nature. Some of extremely erotic. All of them serve a purpose that is bigger than sex. I look at those images, and I feel beautiful, sexy, and desirable.

One of my little dreams is to do a photo shoot in a pin-up style-glam kind of way…and/or a BDSM photo shoot. Rawr. I never would have had that urge without porn and BDSM.