Staying Safe While Getting Kinky LB012

In episode 12, Kayla Lords touches on one of the most important topics in the D/s and BDSM lifestyle - safety. From alcohol to safewords, she explains her views on what it means to play safe during a scene or whenever you decide to get kinky.

In this episode:

  • After enough time together, Kayla and John Brownstone rarely discuss safety anymore but it does come up from time to time.
  • They follow Safe, Sane, and Consensual but there's also RACK and PRICK
  • Intoxication from alcohol or drugs and kink don't mix - at least for Kayla.
  • If you can't drive a car after a few drinks, you definitely should pick up a flogger, tie up your submissive, or anything else that could cause harm if you screw up.
  • Safewords aren't the only way to stay safe during a scene.
  • Dominants need to watch their submissives closely and read their body language and other non-verbal cues.
  • Sometimes, it's not possible to say "Red" or whatever safeword you use.
  • A Dominant needs to use his/her best judgement and err on the side of safety and caution, especially if your partner is new to you.
  • John Brownstone kept going when Kayla couldn't speak properly because he used the rest of the signals and cues she was giving him.
  • Bottom line: A safeword isn't a fail safe. Dominants can't just rely on a spoken word.

Reference Links:

Risk Aware Consensual Kink or RACK

Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink or PRICK

Got a question or topic suggestion? Feel free to contact Kayla or John directly. You'll receive a personal response and may hear your question or suggestion on a future episode!

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 12. Today, let's talk a little about staying safe when you get kinky! Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you're back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we'd love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.

Safe, sane, and consensual - sound familiar? Many kinksters, John Brownstone and myself included, subscribe to this philosophy in BDSM. There are others: Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink (ironically, PRICK). It's all about being self-aware and understanding the risk when you're getting kinky. For me, safe, sane, and consensual fits that definition. Whichever you prefer, as long as you play safe, that's all that really matters.

Twice in the past few days, the issue of safety has come up between Daddy and myself. We consider our play safe at all times simply because we trust in the other to let us know when something is wrong or to stop all play when necessary. But for safety to be something to discuss at all is rare - at least at this point in our relationship.

The first was during a discussion about visiting a local club that caters to both swingers and kinksters. Scenes with sex are allowed. We know several people who go to watch and play, and Daddy mentioned he'd like to attend. Couples and single women get in cheap and single men pay through the nose to walk through the door. From people's descriptions, it sounds raunchy and rowdy - and very popular. My introverted nature doesn't get excited about that kind of thing, but for Daddy, I can do almost anything once.

I told him I didn't mind going, but it made me uncomfortable, and not just because of the crowds we would encounter. This place also serves alcohol.

From the first moment I heard about kink, the idea that alcohol and drugs are off limits during scenes was ingrained in my head. When you're playing and getting kinky, nothing should impair your judgment. NO-THING.

I don't care that people drink or smoke pot. I do care if they get crazy, do something stupid, or hurt someone while they're impaired. I would never allow someone to lay one finger on me in a scene if I thought they'd been drinking or doing anything else.

Think about it, there are reasons that driving a car while under the influence is illegal:

Your judgment is impaired.
Your reactions times are slower.
Your response to stimuli slow way the hell down.

Now, imagine someone who can't legally drive a car coming at you with a flogger while you're tied up or strapped down and helpless. No way, no how. Not for me.

When I reminded him that alcohol was served, he was no longer interested in going to the club.

For us, alcohol and drugs have no part of scenes and play, so while we probably wouldn't have had a session at that club, and we definitely wouldn't have had a drink while we were there (especially since that would have inhibited our ability to be kinky later), we still didn't want to put ourselves in a position to be around kinky drunk people who may or may not have been wielding implements that could be used as a weapon.

I've been drunk often enough in my life and I've definitely been around enough drunk people to know that stupid shit can happen, even when it's meant to be innocent or “fun.” No thank you. For us, it's safest to not even associate with intoxicated people in a kinky way.

My caution to you would be to consider very carefully how much alcohol or whatever you have before you scene or play, even at home. One glass of wine may relax you a little, but two might make you incapable of giving your safeword or being able to discern a cry of passion from one of real, scary, bad pain.

For us, intoxication and kink don't equal safe OR sane. And if someone is too intoxicated, they might not be able to legally consent. I'm not trying to preach to anyone, but I would urge you to think long and hard before you mix intoxication with kinky fun.

I mentioned giving a safeword a moment ago. I'm a huge believer in safewords and the color system - red, yellow, and green. I think that it takes trust from both partners for those to work. Trust for a Dominant that, as a submissive, I will use it when I need to and trust that my Dominant will abide by it and stop everything when I use it.

I recently read a post (and if I can find it again, I'll link to it) that talked about a safeword not always being the best method. That while they should be in place and respected when used, what you need most is a Dominant who's watching everything and in-tune enough with his or her submissive to read body language and other cues to know when to stop.

Case in point, several days ago, Daddy and I were going at it hard and heavy, in missionary position - not our usual thing, but always nice. In a perfect storm that scared the hell out of me, I was unable to breathe just as he placed his full weight on my body while I arched in the exact right (or wrong) way. I gasped and struggled. I tried to say, “I can't breathe.” My reaction wasn't sexy or playful. I was terrified, y'all. As much as I enjoy breath play with his hand around my throat or over my nose and mouth, that moment made me panic. I never had the chance to say “red” or anything else.

Because he knows me well, watches me like a hawk, and understands a good moment from a bad one, he stopped immediately. He made sure I could breathe and then held me. Unfortunately, all sex stopped. Even as I hiccuped and cried a little, I felt bad. I didn't want him to have blue balls. Eventually, he growled at me to stop asking about his balls and go to sleep.

If he'd relied solely on my safeword, something awful could have happened. I might have just passed out and been fine, but I know me - I would have held onto the fear of not being able to breathe when we play rough. Thankfully, it ended the way it should have, and I'm not afraid - although he may be nervous, I don't know.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I needed a reset, a spanking to trigger an emotional response, sometimes called a therapy spanking. I love them because all the noise in my head goes silent and I'm calm and centered when they're over. Spankings, in general, turn me on, but these kind almost never end in sex or even an orgasm.

We both knew I needed this one, and best of all, Daddy had just finished a new paddle he'd made and wanted to try it out.

The moment was beautiful. I managed to ride the waves of pain and float along - most of the time. Sometimes he hit me so hard I came up off the bed. Eventually, I floated along so well, he was able to spank me harder and faster. I loved it.

My brain sort of shut down. I could process feelings and I could definitely hear him but when he asked the one question I needed to be able to answer - “Give me a color.” - I couldn't. It wasn't that I didn't know if I loved it (that's green) or if I needed him to slow down (yellow, y'all). It was that I couldn't think straight enough to process the question he was asking me. I kept saying, “I don't know.”

He stood back for a moment, watched me, and continued until he was able to illicit strong reactions again. Then he stopped.

Some will say he should have stopped the moment I couldn't give him an answer. Maybe, maybe not. I would have been disappointed if he had. But I trust him and he knows me well enough. Later, when I could form coherent speech again, we discussed it. I wasn't in distress. I wasn't bleeding. He hadn't hit me harder than I could usually take. He went on instinct, and he was right. But his instincts were right because we know each other so well.

If you don't have a lot of experience with each other, it's always better to be safe than sorry and stop if your partner can't respond to your questions. For us, in this specific moment, he didn't need to. In another situation, he might have stopped immediately, based on other cues I was giving off.

My point is that a safeword isn't a fail safe. Don't be fooled into thinking all you need is one word. A Dominant needs to watch body language, listen to sounds, and know their partner well enough to know if they've had enough - or, if that's not possible, start slow and stop the moment you think you might be about to go too far.

Either way, safety isn't just one word uttered by one person. It's the willingness to stop your own pleasure the moment you think or feel the other person may no longer be capable of using their safeword. Safety means having clear judgment - which means alcohol is a bad idea.

So, in parting, I leave you with this - safety in BDSM isn't just a safeword. It's knowing your partner, watching their body language, and listening to the sounds they make. It's stopping before things get out of hand. And, above all, it's playing when your mind is clear and you're able to make quick decisions.

Okay, I'm outta here. Keep it kinky, y'all, and we'll see you next week.

 

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

3 Comments

  • Wow! I have always loved your posts and blogs, and found them to be well thought out, well written and very informative, but I had to say this surpasses them all. It should be required reading/listening for every newbie before they even contemplate anything to do with this lifestyle!

    But…. And this is a very big but…. I live in the UK, and I have to say that everything about the ‘scene’ and or lifestyle here, seems to be a world away from the scene in the US when it comes to mixing alcohol and play.

    (I had added so much to this that it became enough of a blog length in itself! So I have copied it and deleted it from here , but I very much feel a need to share it somewhere at some time as I feel it would be good for others to know that differences exist between countries and that it isn’t a question of right or wrong, as what is accepted as normal, as long as the fundamental Universal principles of SSC, RACK, or PRICK etc. are adhered to also).

    Thank you again Kayla for your blog. As you can see it was a seriously thought provoking one for me, and no doubt will remain with me for a long time to come.

    Anna xx

    • I’m glad you enjoyed the episode. I would be fascinated to learn more about the differences between the U.S. and the U.K. when it comes to the lifestyle. I like to think I’m not so arrogant that I believe everyone does kink (or anything else) just like I do, but it truly didn’t occur to me that there could be big differences in the lifestyle between countries and continents. I hope you share some of that and then share the link. I think we could all use a better understanding of how others do the BDSM thing differently. 🙂

  • Picking up on your alcohol and playing/kink or whatever. My ex partner also my so called Dom at the time would not play unless he had had alcohol. He was – or seemed to be – in control. However, I don’t know if anybody else has felt like this but it was almost as if I was only worth playing with when he had had a drink.

    As you can imagine this didn’t really make me feel good when we “played”. Thinking back he wasn’t into the “typical” play of a Dom e.g. bondage or spanking just liked to be the Dominant partner in sex and making me perform oral sex on him. He also had a couple of “kinks” which were not really my cup of tea. One of his biggest kinks was he liked me to talk “dirty” during sex which seemed to turn him on although what I was saying wasn’t what I was thinking – hope that makes sense.

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