Wicked Wednesday

What I See in the Mirror Isn’t Always What I Look For

reflection of a face in a mirror

Image via Pixabay

For a time in my life, I actively avoided mirrors. Much like how I react to strangers, I looked away, kept my eyes down. Nothing to see here, move along...

I could look at my clothes, assess my make-up, and make sure my shoes matched in a mirror, but I looked without seeing, without comprehension. See the parts, not the whole...

That changed when John Brownstone became my Dominant. I mentioned, in passing, that I hated looking at my own body in the mirror. I cried the first time I disrobed for him. My relationship with my body and how I perceived it bordered on toxic. He was having none of it.

For weeks, months, I had a new task. Each morning, I stood in front of the mirror, looked in my own eyes, and said, "You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy of love."

Sounds silly, I know. I thought so, too, but I wanted to be a good submissive, so I did it, believing I was humoring him. It took the better part of a year to realize his task wasn't silly bullshit but something that worked.

Say something often enough, and you begin to believe it. Without being consciously aware of it, I began to like what I saw in the mirror. My eyes met in the reflection. I wasn't just pieces and parts but the sum of a whole, and she looked kind of okay to me.

That habit fell to the side when we moved in together. I had no need to remind myself I was loved and beautiful because I lived with a constant reminder. He wrapped me in his arms every day and told me in a million different ways.

Instead of avoiding the mirror, I had no need of it. For the first time, I didn't even feel the need to obsess over the bits and pieces I used to, wondering if this made my butt look fat or that made my ankles look thick. Or whether a skirt was too short or my thighs too wide. Instead, I twirled in front of John Brownstone who (thankfully) has always been the first to tell me I'm beautiful but also that my ass is hanging out.

For a time, it was freeing being out of the snare of the mirror. I didn't feel the need to avoid my own gaze because I didn't care what the mirror showed in the first place.

Until the day pants no longer fit right. My stretchiest skirt had no more give to it. Shirts didn't cover my stomach the same way. When I finally looked in the mirror, I was unrecognizable to myself. (It wasn't really as drastic as all that but at the time, it felt like it.)

Taking a honest look at myself, I'd known for weeks that something wasn't right. And truly, I'd avoided the mirror because I didn't want to know. I'd put on 30 pounds in a little over a year. Who knew Starbucks, greasy food, and midnight runs for milkshakes could do that? (Me, I knew, but I was so damn happy, I didn't care.)

I spiraled right back to a similar place - not meeting my own eyes, avoiding looking at the extra weight, hating every second I spent in front of the mirror. Had I told him, he would have put me back on a regimen of self-love. Maybe I should have. Instead, I do what I do best - avoided thinking about any of it.

Two long years later, I'm coming back around to the mirror. As someone who spends no time on make-up or hair, I don't have a lot of reasons to look in one. After spending a lot of time on my mental health, problems with food, and finding a new love of working out, I'm finding something to love in the mirror again...

When I bend over the bed, the curve of my ass is perfectly reflected in our bathroom mirror. Even I know it's a glorious sight.

From weeks of eating the right foods and moving my body, I have a dip in my waist again that flares out into a fleshy hip. I love to put my hands in the curve as I look in the mirror.

My legs, not exactly long, are lean and muscled.

Panties on a cute butt. Jeans that hug and accentuate curves.

Slowly but surely, I'm finding what I like in the mirror again. Yes, it's still pieces and parts. But the difference this time is that I'll not only look myself in the eyes, I'll give myself a cheeky wink before I walk away with a sway in my hips.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week's topic asks us to talk about mirrors - love them or hate them. I have little opinion of mirrors, only what I see reflected in them. If you're looking for something smutty, you know where to go...

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I’m also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

9 Comments

  • I so enjoyed reading that. What you have pointed out is that putting on extra weight is an issue if it makes us unhappy and that it’s more important to be healthy in mind and body. Nutrition is close to my heart and I will never be as slim as I was in my 20s but I eat healthily and am happy enough when I catch a glimpse of my arse in the mirror 😉 Like you I don’t spend much time looking in the mirror. I wear makeup infrequently and my hair is always a mess – but my mind is in a good place and thats a good feeling. I am so pleased yours is too 😉

    • Thank you. 🙂

      I had to make nutrition a big deal after 18+ months of dealing with food sensitivities and feeling bad (and bloated) all the time. Working out and eating better for my body has definitely been good for me on multiple levels. 🙂

  • What a quietly powerful post Kayla. And I greatly appreciated how perceptive your Sir was/is to make the mirror activity part of your daily submission. I can’t say my food regime is overly healthy – its become quite random since Mum died – I have no interest in cooking ATM. Luckily for me it will soon be summer down under – salad time, so I will be forcing myself to prepare food. Being a visual arts model and artist for years made me look hard in mirrors, but as you mentioned – in parts. I wonder how many women regardless of size, do that…
    But as Indigo, I’ve started to look in the mirror at what I’m wearing (even if its only lingerie) and because I’m much more sexually/sensually attuned I’m enjoying what I see too. Delighted to hear that you are loving yourself, taking care of yourself (and being cared for). As you see your post provoked a lot of thought!
    Indie xx

    • I’m glad my post got you thinking…and I have found that our perception of ourselves changes when we add a sexual component – whether with a partner or alone. Something about feeling good seems to make our perception of looking good shift. Not completely. Not all at once. But it happens. 🙂

  • A beautiful post. Mirrors can be the most hateful things, smooth-talking us one day and making us feel like shit the next. Unfortunately I still have my days that I hate my mirror image, but mostly I do love it. Good to read that you have a good relationship with your mirror again 🙂

    Rebel xox

  • I relate to this post so much! I look in the mirror but I never really look. Though I do think through Sinful Sunday I am starting to like my appearance more. I am glad you are starting to like yours again. I think sometimes it does take a few dropped lbs and a healthier lifestyle. I’m just rubbish at resisting unhealthy food, so hopefully I can learn to love myself as I am lol!
    Aurora x

    • I wonder if I participated in SS or something where I had to look at images of myself if I would like my appearance more than I do, too. I’m glad that’s happening for you. 🙂

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