Wicked Wednesday

A Hologram of Myself

construction paper with hologram flowers

I originally wrote this for Wicked Wednesday, and then realized October 10 is World Mental Health Day. It seemed fitting to publish this for both...

A hologram is a three-dimensional projection of something or someone. A facsimile. A copy. Meant to represent the real thing but still allow interaction.

Sometimes I think I'm a hologram.

I project fun. Silliness. Goofiness. An outgoingness I don't really feel.

I project confidence. Sometimes I really am strong, secure, and certain. Other times...not so much.

I project the idea that I know what I'm doing.

I'm constantly scared, confused, worried, and anxious. The only time I think I'm being my realest self is when I'm doing things that I have no model of, no example for. Blazing your own path sounds really great in theory. But when you have an anxious brain that constantly needs to know if you're doing things the "right way," its frightening on a level I don't know how to describe.

How can anyone know the real me? After so long presenting the holographic version, I want to rail and scream and say, "See me! Hear me! I'm a fucking mess, and you don't even know it!"

My personal sense of propriety, my knowledge that these feelings are temporary, and my fear of killing the illusion stop me in my tracks. If I told people how I sometimes want to hide away and never talk to anyone ever again, would they think me ungrateful or unkind? Admitting that I sometimes have nothing to give hurts. Because there are people who depend on me. Sometimes more than I think I can handle.

Shutting down my hologram seems wrong, an abuse of the trust people have placed in me, and so selfish. Maybe it's better to offer a copy instead of nothing.

One person sees all of me. I know I overwhelm John Brownstone sometimes. He's the only person who has all of my trust. With him, I'm safe to be both my worst and my best. He knows the difference between idle complaints and real anger. He's shown he can handle my worst and still love me. My hologram doesn't impress him, and my realness doesn't turn him away.

But sometimes I wish I could let my hologram go completely. The problem, of course, is that she's the me I wish I really was.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday. So this weekend was a bad one for me, and I hid away for a while. I needed it, and it's never a bad thing to retreat for a while. But when I saw this week's prompt, I couldn't think of sexy stuff - only about what I project to the world. By the time you read this, I'll likely be back to my perky, sassy self, so know that this was just a blip in time, space, and mood. My brain lies to me a lot. Its unfortunate for me that I believe that it only lies about the good stuff instead of the bad.

rainbow circle that says Wicked Wednesday

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

18 Comments

  • I can really relate to so much of this. Not that the hologram bit so much, I am me all of the time, but the worry and anxiety about what I am doing, yep definitely that and also that there is only one person who knows all of me, yes to that too.

    As for if you are doing the right thing, I nearly always find that it turns out to be that I am…. and I suspect the same is true for you 😉

    Mollyx

    • I’d like to be my true self (whoever that really is) all of the time, but if we could all throw off the anxiety, I’d really love that more.

      You definitely are, so maybe I am, too. 🙂

  • Was just commenting on Rebels post that it’s an incredible thing to be totally yourself and accepted for it by another. It’s great that you have this bond, I do know so many who are never lucky enough to achieve it…

  • I am with you (and Molly) on this, always wondering whether I am doing the right thing. I am always questioning myself, worrying about whether I have done the right thing, said the right thing… sometimes I drive myself crazy. I have to say though, that it seems I am getting better with it, standing with my decisions more easily even when in doubt…

    Thankfully you, me and Molly have that one special person in our lives who understand and accept us completely!

    And just for the record – I love what you’re doing!

    Rebel xox

    • Our instincts must be pretty good because even with all that questioning, we’re making these strange and exciting dreams of ours happen. ((HUGS))

      And I love what you’re doing too, so keep it up!

  • I get imposter syndrome a lot – people don’t see the real me and I project a version of myself to compensate for that. And I also have that inner monologue feeding my insecurities and anxieties. Thankfully, I do have someone in my life who has seen all aspects of me and hasn’t run off screaming (so although as I’ve put in my posts recently, I don’t have a dynamic I want in terms of D/s) I do have a constancy and that’s incredibly important.

    If I may offer them, big hugs, you’re awesome xxx

    • Big hugs always accepted and appreciated. And while I hate knowing anyone else understands what it feels like, it’s also nice not to be alone in it, either. The first time I heard of imposter syndrome I almost cried because at least the feeling had a name and wasn’t just me and my weird brain. ((HUGS))

  • As you’ve offered me several times now, *hugs*!

    I totally get this. I feel like I’m wearing a mask most of the time. The anxiety and uncertainty and second guessing is all consuming….and exhausting.

    Hopefully your end note is right and you’re back to yourself. 🙂 I, for one, would not think you ungrateful or unkind…just human. I would miss your posts, and your thoughtful replies to my few emails, and your podcasts, though!

    • ((HUGS)) Thank you! It’s strange, when I’m in the middle of doing all that stuff – writing posts, recording podcasts, and sending emails, I feel completely relaxed and at home with myself and in my skin. It’s when I’m outside of those moments that it all creeps in.

  • very thought provoking , I can see it is much the way I describe masks. A projection of who we wish we were more than who we really are. Very deep and I thank you for sharing

  • I think most people try to present their best self to the world. It’s hard to find people with which to be safely vulnerable. Not everyone can be trusted with our true selves, because not everyone will be accepting and kind. This is why speaking with people online is very helpful to me. I can show more of my inner self while hiding my face behind a screen. I love that so many of us in D/s relationships can show our true selves to our partners and be truly seen and loved for our whole self.

    • I think you’re right, but I often admire the people who seem to let all their sides come out in a public way. They say what they mean (at least I hope so), and they let people see the bad and the good. I’m just not that type of person.

      I also agree that being online can be so helpful. It’s helped me connect in ways I never thought possible with other people. 🙂

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