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There are some things I know to be true about my kinky self:
I'm sexually submissive. I enjoy rough sex, impact play, and some pain. Tie me up, pin me down, and control me, and I get off.
On any given day, no matter how I feel, I know those things to be truths that I've discovered over the years. But while they are true, they aren't absolutes.
Not just anyone gets to be my kinky partner. Only the person (or people) who earn my trust do.
I don't want rough sex every time I fuck.
Not every pain is good pain. The pain I loved yesterday might be too much today.
Sometimes I'm a giggly babygirl, teasing you in a lighthearted way. Other times I'm a quiet, obedient submissive waiting to serve and be used, showing a self-discipline I don't always believe I have.
And (don't tell John Brownstone this) but I'm probably sometimes a bratty girl. Doing what I want. Saying what I want. Damn the consequences!
People (in general) decide what's right for them - sexually or not - in a variety of ways: current experience, thoughts, personal beliefs, education, childhood experiences. Frankly, some people don't spend enough time thinking about what's right for them. But once decided, it tends to be seen as an absolute. This is who I am. No wiggle room for change. No allowance for mood, time, circumstance.
We're All Figuring It Out
For those of us who pride ourselves on figuring out who we are, we sometimes feel like a failure or a fraud when our reality doesn't match up with who we believe ourselves to be. Sometimes that's a good thing because we need to be shaken out of a stupor of bad decisions, lazy thinking, or complacency. But other times, what we need most is to forgive ourselves. Oh, not for "not being perfectly who we think we are all the time." No, instead, we need to show ourselves kindness and forgiveness for ever believing we had to be the same exact thing all the time.
- So yes, I'm sexually submissive with a lighthearted giggle and a joy for tweaking my Daddy Dom's figurative and literal nose. But I also harbor dark desires of humiliation, degradation, and a wildness I don't always understand.
- Yes, I constantly seek to be the "good girl" in nearly any situation, vanilla or otherwise, wanting to do things the "right" way. But I'm also willing to thumb my nose at what society believes "good girls" should do.
These are just kinky examples but it applies to every facet of life.
Not All Desires are Sexual
No matter how you think of yourself, who you think you are, what you want to be, and what you really are, there are moments (good and bad) when you find yourself in a different place. When it's a negative thing, pull yourself back, get honest with yourself, and do better next time. When it's simply a different desire, need, or behavior than you're used to that's neither good nor bad, either accept it as who you are or try to figure it out. See if it has a place in your self-identity now or if it was a failed experiment you didn't plan.
But getting stuck in black or white thinking about who we are and what we want stops us from experiencing all the (forgive me for this) shades of gray in between.
None of us are always one thing or another. Sometimes, even for the briefest moments, a new color flashes through. What we do with that moment is up to us. It's taken me many years to realize that, good or bad, it's better to accept it as who I am and figure out how it fits with who I want to be.
What I want and who I am is always in some degree of flux. Nothing about any of us is completely black or white, even if we haven't quite figured it out about ourselves yet. That's not a kink thing, a sex thing, or a vanilla thing. It's a life thing.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week's prompt is black and white. There were so many directions I could go but a little soul-searching I did this week on a less than kinky topic spurred my writing today. I've found myself in places I didn't want to be, not always making decisions I should make. It's not who I am, but it's who I'm capable of being which meant it was time for self-reflection. Okay, if you'd prefer some smut to go with your reading, you know where to go and what to do.