Wicked Wednesday

He Lets Me Fly

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"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

As a kid, I wanted to be everything I found interesting. First I wanted to be a teacher because I loved school. Then I wanted to be a veterinarian because I loved animals (and because my mom wanted to be a vet and never got to). In second grade, I wanted to be a writer.

A friend of mine (who later became a rival, sadly) and I spent time during class writing books, illustrating them, and even binding them (with lots of string). Our teacher let us read our stories to the class when we were done. Thirty years later and my memory is a bit fuzzy on how they were received.

Somewhere around my teen years, I stopped thinking about writing as something I loved. By then I was fully invested in my classes, clubs, and anything that would get me into college. Writing was functional. Sure, I was pretty good at it if you go by grades. But it was a means to an end. College wasn't much different. I wrote fairly well by freshman college standards but it was a necessary function of life. Although, to be honest, I took great joy in sitting down at midnight to hammer out a paper I'd turn in at noon and still get a decent grade.

Along the way, between writing little stories and writing academic papers, my focus shifted - as it does over time. Writing served a purpose but it didn't drive me. I enjoyed it but thought of it as a school thing. By 22 and college graduation, I wanted to get married and put school behind me, even as friends and professors urged me to go to grad school. A psychology major and English minor doesn't usually make a lot of money at age 23. They knew it, and I did, too.

I'd worked two to three jobs at a time during the last two years of college. My father had just died. My then-fiance hadn't worked in two years but I told myself I loved him and my wedding was coming. I was tired. No more school. No more late night papers. Let me work and be married. I told myself I'd figure it out later.

The next nine years of my life were about survival. How to earn enough money to keep the lights on and food on the table. How to ask for financial help without feeling like a lazy bum. Later, how to survive without outside help. We lived right on the line between poverty and the working poor. A few hours less a week, and it was poverty. Writing was a luxury, and my life had scant room for luxuries.

Don't get me wrong, in hindsight, I realize now that I needed to write, and some part of me recognized that. Writing is how I process my own thoughts. Without it, noise builds up in my head.

I tried setting up a blog online in 2003 when those things were still really new. I had stuff on my mind, and ever since my fingers first touched a keyboard, I've preferred to type. It was quickly abandoned when my (now ex) husband read it and confronted me, angry for what I'd written. Being verbally attacked for expressing my thoughts and feelings - which were overwhelmingly negative and guilt-ridden - frightened me. I chose to live with the emotions swirling, unexamined, in my head rather than go through that again.

Work, kids, life, marriage - life goes on, and like everyone else, I had to get through my day and take care of my family. The thoughts swirled, sometimes eating me and my happiness alive, had to be ignored. After experiencing his anger, it never occurred to me to seek out a way to write. Not while we were together.

Later, while still married, I rediscovered a love of writing I'd forgotten about. This time through work. When my career shifted to marketing and communications, writing became central to my day. I enjoyed my time spent with a blank screen and blinking cursor. Sure, I wrote boring and often trite press releases no one read. I crafted announcements about upcoming events no one wanted to attend.

Except...I was stringing words together to express a thought. And I was given a small amount of freedom to figure out what spoke to people best. What got their attention? What made them respond? Sure the topic had to be good, but it was my words that made it happen.

Fast forward to the divorce. By then, I'd developed professional writing habits. I knew how to convey a thought again through the written word. It was time. The swirling thoughts about being single, raising kids, and trying (desperately) to stay positive threatened to consume me. I needed to write. Pen and paper still didn't work for me. I set up a blog and began to write. The words poured out of me. Everything that had been bottled up for over decade found a path out of my head.

The rest, from a kinky fuckery perspective, is history. After the divorce, I started this blog. I masturbated, orgasmed, and discovered kink. And I blogged my way through it all. Even then, writing fulfilled me but I wasn't ready to consider it a career. I wasn't ready to believe you could support a family by stringing words together. Other people, maybe, but definitely not me.

Until I met him, John Brownstone. The first person outside of my family to ever say, "I believe in you. I'll help in any way I can." When I said I wanted to write more stories, he said, "How can I help?" Later when we discussed moving in and closing the physical distance, I said, "I want to be a freelance writer." His response? "What do you need from me?"

From the moment I met him, John Brownstone has been a stable, steady force in my life. He believed in me when I didn't. Still does. He pushes me when I don't think I'm ready to jump.Β Sure, he expects me to think things through and act responsibly. Even my dreams must have some basis in reality.

His belief in me is what allows me to say things like, "I want to go to Eroticon in London. Do you think I can?" When I say, "I want to start a podcast" or "I have an idea for another website," he listens to my thoughts, the dreams behind them, and the plans forward. Sometimes he'll offer a perspective I didn't consider or ask pointed questions to make sure I understand the big idea my brain has convinced me is a good one.

And then he says, "I believe in you. I'll help in anyway I can."

He lets me dream big and move forward. His quiet confidence bolsters me when I'm not sure how I can get it all done. When I get stuck, he gives me a nudge. But he always lets me fly toward whatever horizon I'm aiming for. Now that life has changed so drastically for him, it's my turn to remind him he can fly, too. We can do it together. I tell him, "I believe in you. I'll help in anyway I can."

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week's prompt is about flying. I've been out of sexual sorts for a couple of weeks so I went with lovey-dovey instead of sexy-sexy. Looking for some smut? You know where to go.

rainbow circle that says Wicked Wednesday

 

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

10 Comments

  • “Writing is how I process my own thoughts. Without it, noise builds up in my head.” – YES! That’s why I’m blogging. It’s my release valve and I can’t imagine NOT writing now.

    And I’m so happy that you have that amazing support – your blog and podcast, Smutlancer etc… are inspiring.

    • Release valve – a perfect analogy. And once I got started again, I couldn’t imagine not writing either. It’s a wonderfully addictive habit. πŸ™‚

      And thank you. I have a little too much in my head, I think, so I need to have a place to go. The sites and podcast are other versions of the same release valve. πŸ™‚

  • Hi Kayla – my new man believes in me too. He pushes me in whatever direction I want to go even though I am still undecided about what comes next. He continually tells me not to let my hearing loss determine what I do but after so many years of letting it do so, I am finding it difficult but he won’t let me slide back. It is such a refreshing change from my previous relationships. Keep up the writing work and know that your friends are all behind you. xxx from the UK

  • hmmm Kayla, I really want to follow in your footsteps, to be a fulltime writer, or at least to work for a boss only 3 days a week and have the other four days to write, write, write. I know, I don’t have to convince you, but I do have to convince my husband. I’m in a bit of a catch-22 situation. He said if I can make the money, I can cut back on working, but to be able to write more and make that money outside my work, I need more time, which I don’t have while working for a boss almost fulltime. I need to figure out a way to make extra money every month and I need to do it fast…

    Rebel xox

    • I can’t cut back on my “vanilla” writing to focus on kinky/sex writing until I make enough on the kinky/sex side first, so I can relate to the feeling.

      I’d love to chat in detail with you about your specific situation in email (kaylalords at gmail), if you’d like. Generally, though, it’s like all the other writing we do, we either sacrifice something or we take baby steps and a slower path toward our goal (I hate the baby steps approach but it does work). I think you have more opportunities than you realize, though, because you’ve been blogging so long. First of all, you have thriving websites that could be monetized in new ways. There are ways to maximize your affiliate partnerships (no guarantee of money but every penny helps). And, depending on the type of writing you want to do, you can pitch websites ideas that you have – sexual topics or not. Like I said, I’d be happy to help – and it’s why I started The Smutlancer, so I can help in a more concrete way.

  • Like you I dabbled around in writing for many years but not as part of a job just for me but little stories etc. It was not until my divorce that I decided it was time to try and explore my love of writing more and I started a blog….. as the saying goes, the rest is history but the project continues to evolve and much to my surprise writing is now how I make my living and much of that is due to having someone in my life who kept telling me I could do this, rather than telling me I couldn’t

    Mollyx

  • I love this so much. Having that person who loves and supports you through everything while you achieve your dreams… yes. I’m so so happy for you that you got your person who helps you fly xx

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