Y'all know me. Communication is everything. It can make good kinky fuckery better. Talking things out before they become problems keeps everything (not just your relationship) moving forward. It's one of the best ways to resolve conflict, disagreements, and bad feelings.
But let's be honest. Sometimes it's really fucking hard.
I'm the one who advises writing things down and showing your "letter" to your partner if the words won't squeeze past your throat. Been there, done that.
I'm also a woman who spent 12 years not saying the things that needed to be said and had a crappy marriage as a result.
In my relationship with John Brownstone, I still find it difficult to talk about my sexual needs or wants sometimes. I blame it on my submissive nature, but I know that's not true for every submissive.
The solution to the first two are sort of obvious, right? But that third one can be tougher, especially if you're trying to talk about kinky wants and desires and you're not sure how your partner will respond to them. Now there's a tool for the awkward (but necessary) conversation that can help - Simpatic.Us.
What is Simpatic.Us?
John Brownstone and I were given the opportunity to review Simpatic.Us - an online questionnaire system (in exchange for an honest review) to see how we liked it, and what we thought of the concept. I've learned over the years that 1) there's always something more to learn and 2) any tool that can tell me what I know to be true about us may help people who haven't gotten to that same point yet.
So of course I said yes.
Instead of having a conversation where you may feel nervous about revealing every kinky thing you want to try - without knowing how your partner will react - Simpatic.Us lets you talk only about the topics where you're compatible. Yes, yes, (to my communication purists out there) I know it's better to talk about ALL of it, but starting on common ground isn't a bad idea, either. You have to start somewhere.
How Does Simpatic.Us Work?
Sign up for an account for $40 per couple (as of the publication date). Once you receive your log-in information, you both log in separately but enter the main account email address (the one you used to sign up with) when asked so that you're linked and the system can compare your answers correctly.
On your own, not together, take the 170+ questionnaire. That sounds like a lot, I know. But by reading an option and going with my quick instinctual response based on how something made me feel, it took less than 10 minutes. You'll get options from blowjobs to cuddling and from bondage to choking. There's a lot packed into the list. No, it's not every single kink or fetish, but if you're new to kink or just talking to your partner about what you want, it's plenty.
When you read through your options, you have several options to choose from:
- Watching my partner
- Being watched by my partner
- With my partner
- Without my partner
- While bound/restrained
- Watching others
- Being watched by others
You get the point, right? What took me a minute to figure out was that if something didn't apply to me, I didn't need to select anything. Don't force an answer. Skip the whole question if none of the answers fit you - especially if it's something you don't enjoy or aren't interested in. Sometimes you get an "all of the above" option. You can choose that or only select the options that fit you.
Note: Don't pick what you think your partner wants. Your answer should be based on what you want or are interested in.
Once we were both done with the questionnaire (and hit submit), we each received our PDF report by email about two days later. It was a list of what we both had an interest in. For us, after four years together and a lot of conversations and experimentation, it was a long list. None of it was surprising to us, but I didn't expect it to be. Here's what part of our results looked like:
First of all, can you see the range of topics it covers?! Whoa, right? But it also lets you see what you both have in common, and only that.
Should You Try Simpatic.Us?
Simpatic.Us has a basic concept but an important one. Figure out what you're both interested in and talk about those things together. Instead of floundering or worrying that your desire to lick their boots or tie them to the bed will freak them out, you start at a place of common desire.
If you're in an established relationship like John Brownstone and I are and your communication levels are great, you probably don't need this.
But if you're interested in adding kink to your life, in a new relationship (maybe don't suggest this when you first meet), or if you're coming out of a rough patch and need to reconnect, I'd say this is a good place to begin.
What may surprise you most is what your partner wants to do that you may have assumed (such a dirty word) they wouldn't enjoy. You may discover that you're both kinky freaks (yay!). You may only have a few things in common, but at least it's a starting point.
I don't think you should neglect exploring different desires and being open to trying new things, but Simpatic.Us is a good place to begin for some relationships. Use this as the starting point. Get comfortable with the things you're both interested in. Once you've done that, it'll be much easier to suggest something new without knowing how your partner will react first.
Want to check out Simpatic.Us for yourself? Click here.