Wicked Wednesday

Stroking My Anxiety in All the Right Ways #WickedWednesday

My nerves have been a jangled mess for the past few weeks.

Eroticon and the conversation with my mother - which went fine, by the way.

Planning an international trip.

Working on vanilla projects to pay the bills. Working on sexy projects to build something better.

Doing my taxes - never fun, but this year it didn't have the result I expected.

Planning a wedding on a shoestring.

All of these things - at least in some form or fashion - aren't exactly major problems or worries to have. But when you're an anxious person - either clinically or by nature (and I think I'm both) - it all seems bigger than it is.

My mind whirs and beeps in a constant litany of things I should do, things I need to do, lists to list, plans to plan, and all the noise that enters the brain of a worried person. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me cranky. I cry easily. I snap easily. I startle easily. I'm impatient. I'm intense.

Basically, I'm an absolute fucking pleasure.

In these past five or six weeks when my mind has buzzed more than at any time since last summer - when my anxiety and bipolar disorder came crashing together in a way that rocked my world - it's been nerve-rattling. I could say it's the uncertainty of the trip ahead (and maybe it is). I could say it's meeting new people (not something I'm always good at). I could say it's knowing I'll be in an unfamiliar place with kind of unfamiliar people doing new things.

It's all of that.

But it's not. Because the moment I start working on the lists I'm listing and the plans I'm planning, the worried, hand-wringing voices in my head calm the fuck down. They're soothed by action. Excited by it, even.

Write a list. Oh that feels good.

Contact the cell phone provider. Mmm, keep it up.

Notify the bank about the trip. Right there, oh yeah, baby.

Research domains and podcast hosting. Don't stop! Keep going!

I started working on stuff I want to do - and not just for the upcoming trip - and I think I stroked my anxiety in all the right places and all the right ways. If I didn't know any better, my anxiety might have had an orgasm.

How long can I keep it up? How long can I keep working, chipping away at things, and feeling like I'm actively working to calm my own worries and fears, no matter how unnecessary they may seem from the outside looking in? I have no idea, but I think if I stop now, it will only get worse.

So if I'm packed a week before I leave, and I get to the airport several hours early, and I Google Map everything, it's not just because I'm overly excited (and I am!). It's because I'm my anxiety's bitch right now, and I'll do anything to keep the jumbled, garbled, amorphous worries and fears at bay. Even if I have to stroke it in all the right (but strangely Type A, uptight) kind of ways.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! Marie Rebelle, the amazing woman behind Wicked Wednesday and other smutty goodness, turns 50 soon so this week's prompt isn't a prompt but a challenge. Fifty links shared this week from 50 writers/bloggers. I'm doing my part, and I encourage all of my writer friends to check it out and take part. And for my readers, 50 links means even more smutty goodness to choose from.

Image Credit: Pixabay

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

14 Comments

  • This makes perfect sense. Instead of allowing your anxiety and fear to force you into a corner, you’re bouncing of the ropes and distracting it, showing it you’re capable of taking care of business.

    There’s a video of a Buddhist monk that tells you to teach your brain a new trick. Tell the monkey in your brain that’s hopping around and screeching to count or focus on the breath. You give your monkey brain a job. Focus on the breath, so you can go about your day.
    Whether this works or not, I don’t know. I’ve dealt wth my issues in various ways over the years. More often than not lately I have to remind myself to breathe deep.

    • Giving my monkey brain a job sounds about right. Some days, telling myself to breathe is exactly the right thing. And sometimes I stay busy until I pass out at night. Frankly, some days I’m just a cranky jangle of nerves, too. It’s all a process. 🙂

  • Even though you might not feel it that way, you seem to have everything under control. I wish you a lot of fun at Eroticon and am sad I won’t meet you there. Thanks for joining in to get to the fifty links 😉

    Rebel xox

  • I do hope you have a good trip, and get to let some of the anxiety subside. you have so much on your plate, remember you can only eat one bite at a time. It will get done.

    • Big bites, but yes one bite at a time. I know that once I get there and get settled, I’ll be back to my old self (or a hyped up version of it, lol). And thank you – I think it’s going to be so much fun. 🙂

  • I can relate to this. I am surrounded by lists and in my head swirls all the things I still need to get sorted out and then you mentioned packing *laughs

    Mollyxx

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