What do you when the people who are supposed to love you, or at least like you, judge you for being kinky? I honestly don’t know. For the past five years, I’ve kept my head (mostly) down and avoided outing my kinky self to my vanilla life. Mostly because I don’t want to deal with Judgy McJudgersons.
But some people have – either on purpose or on accident (hopefully very few have been outed maliciously!) – and they’ve sent emails and messages asking how they should handle the negative comments they get from vanilla friends and family who don’t or won’t understand their kinky relationship.
I know, I know. Some of you are wondering why anyone would even tell their family about their D/s relationship. I get it. But even those of us who don’t talk about it can get funny looks or comments from family members and friends who know something is “different” about you.
John Brownstone and I don’t many magic words of wisdom in this episode of Loving BDSM. In fact, I think even with the bit of advice we offer, there’s room for much more, especially from people who’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. So give it a listen, and if you’ve got more to add, please share! I’d love to do a follow-up episode to give more and better information for the people who need it.
From the show:
- John Brownstone received a slightly judgy comment on a blog post calling our kink “abuse.”
- A lot of us have just spent extra time around family and friends, some of who might wonder about your kinky relationship, whether you’re out or not.
- You might get comments, looks, or judgement from those who don’t know you’re kinky but maybe notice something different.
- Or, like at least one listener, judgement from those who do know and don’t approve.
- Coming out to anyone about your kink is a personal decision and there’s no right or wrong answer about what to do.
- Before you share your kinky life with others, assess possible risks – people lose jobs and kids over their kink.
- One way to “deal” with vanilla friends and family who make snide remarks or judge you is to develop a thick skin and confidence in who you are as a kinkster and a person – but it takes time.
- You may never change their mind, but you don’t have to. Be who you are, and they will either accept it or not.
- If you have to, remove yourself from the conversation, change the subject, or avoid their presence (if possible).
- If a “friend” is refusing to believe you or listen to you, and says mean, ugly things to you, are they really your friend?
- As with other things in life where we disagree – think politics – you can still love someone you don’t understand or agree with – your family and friends should be able to do the same thing. And hopefully they will.
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