“Are you interested in medication?”
I’d just finished explaining the manic episode I’d had a few weeks before. A textbook case, according to my therapist. An option for subduing my specific crazy would be two pills – one for the high, and another for the low.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say I considered it. For about five seconds.
“I don’t think I can. My best ideas come during the manic periods. It’s the low that sucks.”
That’s the rub right there. When I’m on the manic high of my “classic” bipolar episodes, I work more, talk faster, think more, and come up with great ideas. Okay, sure, maybe I think they’re “great” and they could be crap, but hello, Loving BDSM was born during (what I now know was) a manic episode.
During those periods I can do All The Things, and I want to do them All The Time. And for a brief time, I do. I work as late as John Brownstone will let me. I keep a running (and very long) to-do list. I make plans. I make more lists. I research.
My anthem becomes (well, at least the first line of it):
And yes, this is going on while I keep up with my normal workload and my normal family and D/s responsibilities. Interesting side note – during a manic period, I really hate my boring vanilla work. It’s no fun. It doesn’t fill me with joy. It doesn’t get me high.
Oh, and during a manic period, I want All The Sex, too. If that’s not a reason to keep your crazy, I don’t know what is.
Ultimately, as long as my depressive lows don’t lend themselves to self-harm or suicidal thoughts, I probably won’t change a thing.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say this bipolar part of me is a little scary. The mania is a high. I can see where it would be addictive. But is it real?
If I can convince myself that the depression isn’t “real” and isn’t a reflection of who I really am as a person (Depressed me is a total bitch), then doesn’t that mean the manic me isn’t real, either?
The on-going conversation in my head centers around a couple of questions. Who the hell am I? Can I trust whatever version of me shows up on any given day?
And that leads to anxiety. Which has kicked my ass for the past few days.
Anxiety brings a lack of focus, zero decision-making skills, and enough self doubt to make me nauseous. It’s not pretty.
There is a bright side to all of this.
Whether because I’m fortunate enough to have an excellent Dominant (no doubt there) or some other reason I haven’t figured out yet, our kink and D/s don’t seem to be too negatively affected by my crazy.
Well, sort of.
In a depressed period, I’m incapable of the physical aspects of submission. Numbness and feeling empty do that to a person.
During an anxious period (like now), I have a short temper and little patience. Hard to be a demur, polite submissive babygirl when you’re biting people’s heads off.
And yet, I crave the discipline, boundaries, and expectations of our D/s dynamic. They’re a constant in a sea of turbulence – a buoy to attach myself to.
But in a manic state? I’m bending, kneeling, going, and doing anything and everything John Brownstone needs. Hell, I’m coming up with things I can do for him. I become Super Babygirl, capable of leaping buildings in a single bound (or at least taking a beating until I’m bruised).
It’s exhausting – to think about and deal with. But, ahhhh, the high of the manic state draws me in, convinces me life will always be this good, that I will always be this productive, and the Best Submissive Ever.
I don’t have any answers. Mostly questions and concerns. For right now, the only thing that really feels right (to me) is to embrace this wacky, wild life.
And in the meantime, I’ll make this my anthem as often as possible:
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday (it’s been a while for me). This week’s prompt was to take a line of our national anthem and write a sexy story. Nothing sexy came to mind, but anthems fit in with my thoughts – because music is a very personal thing, and the strangest songs speak to me sometimes. If diving into my mind is exhausting and overwhelming (I get it, y’all), go read some smut for Wicked Wednesday, instead!
I don’t have it to such extremes but I feel similar roller coaster emotions that I’ve always assumed were related to my cycle.
I could see not wanting to give up the highs.
Did the counselor give any suggestions for alternative management of the lows?
I have always thought mine were part of my cycle. When he asked how long I’d been like this, I laughed. All my life?
I think he was impressed that I managed the low as well as I did on my own – talking to JB, asking for a spanking, and allowing myself to rest (instead of forcing myself to continue to be productive like I used to do). Right now, it’s a wait and see kind of thing, unfortunately.
Oddly enough, I have to have this exact conversation with a psychiatrist on Friday. I don’t have highs and lows. I have nothing. My normal range of emotion from joy, to anger, to sadness have all taken the midnight train to nowhere. They have been replaced with panic, anxiety and a lack of caring about much. This article gives me a lot of things to think about for 2 days before I see him. Thanks for sharing and thanks for caring. Keep it Kinky!
When my therapist asked me when the last time (prior to this episode) I’d experienced this, I couldn’t remember because over the spring and summer, the anxiety made it impossible to feel anything other than panic and worry, and of course, the dreaded feelings of being completely overwhelmed, all time. For whatever reason, the bipolar and anxiety have separated themselves. I’m grateful for it because the constant anxiety was awful so ((HUGS)), I can imagine how you feel.
Keeping it kinky is all that gets me through sometimes. 🙂
My bipolar 2 is heavily skewed towards depression and it is absolutely miserable for me because my meds have caused me to lose those highs and with it, a lot of creativity and drive. I’m glad you are able to manage without meds and not have those awful drops while being able to enjoy the high times. Sometimes, I think my bit of kink keeps me sane too. A spanking will settle myass right down. I’m glad to see that I’m not alone xoxo
You’re definitely not alone. More people are beginning to talk about how kink helps their mental health. Here’s a link that was shared with me that touches on that specific thing:
https://medium.com/the-establishment/spanking-is-essential-to-my-mental-health-63d1ce706de1
Thank you for being so open and honest. A tough hand life has dealt you.
🙂 It doesn’t feel too terribly tough…it’s almost normal. But I am now dealing with how it effects me, which isn’t always easy.
I have a friend who suffers from a bipolar disorder and know her highs can be very good, but her lows, very bad. It took her more than two years of psychiatry to come to terms with her disorder and to learn to live with it, to embrace her crazy.
I imagine the lows can be very scary too.
I hope you find answers to your questions.
It’s good to see you on Wicked Wednesday again 🙂
Rebel xox
It’s good to be back.
The lows, for me, are demoralizing, and I think very little of myself during those times. But the highs are pretty great – for right now, I have to believe they’re worth the lows that come with them.
I was medicated for my Bipolar disorder for years. Probably overmedicated. It was ok, but everything was blah boring. I feel much better unmedicated. I have rapid cycling so it can difficult to manage sometimes but not impossible. I missed my creativity while medicated. I’m much happier with my creativity back. It’s a fair trade to me.
That was my fear – that everything would become boring. It feels like a fair trade to me, too.
Hey Kayla,
Check out Cyclothymia …It’s Bipolar’s little cousin. I cycled softly for years until the highs and lows became too abrupt and then I got treatment (jail wasn’t a great option). I see you are versed in the benefits of Kink / Discipline for ameliorating some effects. There are lots of other tricks to keep things smoother as in diet and fish oils etc. PM me if you’d like to chat, JB and I are friends on FB…I will suggest a group you may like to check out.
Cheers,
RR
Thanks, RR. I’ll check that out.
I don’t have Bipolar or any other mental health issues. I do have moments of being down and grumpy and also getting anxious but nothing extreme. However I will say the D/s part of my life and especially the physical aspect really does help me to feel calm and centred so I can see that is would work just the same for someone struggling with more complex issues
Mollyxxx
Before all this came up, it helped me in those smaller moments, too. A lot more people are beginning to talk about how kink can help in some situations – which gives me hope that it will continue to help me. 🙂
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