My mental state (and how it seems to have changed over the past year or so) has been on my mind a lot lately. It's caused me to slow down on most of my projects - vanilla and kinky. It's forced a pseudo blogging hiatus. I've had what I call "Babygirl temper tantrums" at least once a week for the past few months.
I call them that, but the outbursts come from real places of anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness.
After three appointments with a kink-friendly therapist - a really cool guy that seems to get the Daddy/Babygirl thing, thankfully - I'm not much closer to having answers but we're getting there.
So it shouldn't be any surprise that all of it's on my mind - a lot. When a fellow submissive sent me an email about how to have a healthy relationship with all of her trust issues (something I relate to very well), I started connecting dots.
We all have "issues" - mental illness, low self esteem, fear of being alone, trust issues, abandonment fears, you name it. While those "issues" can certainly effect how we relate to other people and what kind of relationships we find ourselves in, none of those issues should make us believe we don't deserve a healthy, loving relationship - kinky or vanilla. We have bigger challenges, and we may have to wait for the right partner who's willing to work through, around, and with those issues. But we can still love and be loved, if that's what we want.
With all of that in mind, I sat down to record the Loving BDSM podcast episode. I have very few answers or advice but a lot of thoughts and opinions.
Oh, and if you can stand listening to a commercial, in the first 10 minutes of the show, I explain how you can help me get to Eroticon next March with just a teeny-tiny amount of support. If that's the last thing you're interested in, skip to about the 14 minute mark in the show.
From the show:
- At the time the show was recorded, the giveaway wasn't over, but now it is. A winner will be chosen (at random) and announced (with their permission) soon.
- I'm back with my hand out asking for the "h" word I hate - help. With your support, I can go to Eroticon in London next March.
- Three visits with my therapist later and I have a few answers about my own mental gunk: avoidant personality, compulsive personality, a little OCD, a little anxiety, a little manic, and a little depressed. Translation: a hot mess.
- An email from a submissive listener about her trust issues reminded me of an article I wrote about submission and self-esteem.
- You don't have to love yourself completely and perfectly to deserve love. You don't have to be rid of all your "issues" or have perfect mental health to find love.
- You do have to recognize any mistakes you might be making that lead to the same bad relationships over and over again: fear of being alone, allowing partners to treat you badly because you don't feel you deserve better, etc.
- Doms, subs, switches, kinksters, and vanilla, we all deserve long-term, loving relationships if that's what we want.
- I'm dealing with my mental health issues now that I'm in a D/s relationship, and no one would ever say I don't deserve John Brownstone because of those problems. Why would we tell ourselves we don't deserve someone before we find the love of our life?
- No answers in this show, but a lot of thoughts. Feel free to reach out with your own thoughts on the topic.
Listen to the show:
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