Ugly tears. Wracking sobs. Feelings of worthlessness.
Yep, I was a hot mess.
I have so many thoughts in my head about why...
Hormones. Damn the fuckers.
Mental instability. Could I really be bi-polar or anxious or something else that I don't even have a name for it? I don't know, but I wonder.
Complete lack of confidence in myself and a disturbing need for positive feedback. Ugh.
The constant battle in my head between my competing personalities. No, I don't mean that I have multiple personalities, but parts of who I am don't mesh the way I think they should. The logical side of myself gets into bloody, knock down fights with my creative side. It's brutal, y'all.
Lower than low self-esteem. This is the one I hate the most.
What started it this time?
Money is tight. I earn less now than I did in January. Four years ago, I left my husband because he couldn't pull his own weight. Not couldn't. Wouldn't.
My greatest fear is having John Brownstone ever look at me the way I looked at my ex-husband.
I wonder if I'm a good enough writer. (Yes, I know I'm decent, at least better than some, worse than others, right in the middle.) I know better than to compare my chapter one to someone else's chapter 20 in life, but I can't help wondering if I'm getting it all wrong.
I fear getting a "real" job - which is an insult to the one I have. The writer job. Believe me, I work. And I don't even write half as much as I want to.
I worry that we'll run out of money, and it'll be my fault. Not because I spend too much. Hell, I don't spend a dime without accounting for it first. No, because I'm not earning enough.
One bad thought leads to another...
While I'm wrestling with financial and relationship demons that I can't seem to control, my mind wanders. I can't do anything right. I can't lose weight. I can't eat right. I'm not reading enough to the boys. I'm too sharp with them; I should be more loving. I'm a hermit who has no friends. I suuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Gawd, y'all, it's exhausting.
Then, I see this...
.@KaylaLords is a bad ass EVERYTHING ... that is all!!!
— F. Leonora Solomon (@fdotleonora) September 12, 2015
And I smile. I think things aren't as bad as my mind is trying to convince me they are.
No, I'm not writing enough books fast enough - but I have a plan.
No, I'm not earning as much money as I'd like - but I'm building something.
No, I'm not a sweet-talking, smooth-talking, outgoing person who knows how to talk to strangers, convince them to love her, and get hired. But I'm me, and for the right people that's all that matters.
What the hell does any of this have to do with BDSM, kink, or D/s?
His name is John Brownstone, and through it all - my turbulent highs and lows, my crazy temper tantrums, and my so-ugly-they're-fugly tears, he's right there by my side. Sometimes he holds me and let's me get all the yucky stuff out. Other times he tells me to buck up and gives me a list of things to do. And still other times, he says he won't lead me, that I have to figure it out for myself, but he'll always be my sounding board.
Best friend, lover, Dominant, Daddy, he's all of those things. He doesn't always have the answer - because really with this much crazy, who would? But he's by my side through good and bad, through calm waters and stormy tempest, through sanity and cray-cray. That's my definition of a good relationship, of devotion, and of a caring, loving Dominant.
We all have our own definition of what we need. Hell, you might not even know yet. But I promise, the day you realize what it is you absolutely need from another person, things will make more sense. You might not make more sense (gawd knows I don't) but what went right and what went wrong in all your previous relationships will.