Submissive

Old Habits Die Hard

Old Habits Die Hard

via Jokideo.com

After nearly a year living a 24/7 D/s relationship and more than two years together, you'd think that I'd be so immersed in my submission that old issues wouldn't rear their ugly head. You'd be wrong. I know I was.

I've felt decidedly unsubmissive lately. I don't question my submissive nature - I know who and what I am. But it's easy not to feel it. John Brownstone is holding up his end of things. I still have tasks. He still has expectations. It's all still there. But it's my mind that's flown the coop.

Twice (meaning two days in a row, y'all), I forgot to get the coffee pot ready for him so he could have his first cup of coffee of the day. Anyone who survives off of caffeine or loves someone who does, knows the importance of that first cup. And I forgot. I felt bad, but apparently not enough to remember after the first incident. Worse, it's one of those daily tasks that I agreed to do, and usually do without fail. Ugh.

I had a pity party on Mother's Day because although I was given every thing I asked for (literally, every single thing), I was disappointed that I wasn't given things I didn't ask for. Before you imagine a diva-like babygirl requesting jewelry and kinky toys, let's clear that up. I asked for time to read my books and paint my nails. I asked to not have to cook or clean. I asked to do what I wanted to do during the day. And I got it. But we didn't go out to eat, and I was disappointed. Except I didn't ask for that. I didn't communicate well. Then I was disappointed when I didn't get what I wanted. I fell into the whole "he should have known" thing. I confessed the problem the next day - with full apologies for being ridiculous and profuse thanks for being given the most peaceful Mother's Day I've ever had. But it still happened.

I've ranted and raved to him over and over again that our new (and very temporary) schedule and routine is for the birds. We're in an in-between time between the move and the summer. Because we moved so close to the end of the school year, it didn't make sense to have the boys change schools with only a month to go. So I drive them - 45 minutes one way. That's not too horrible, except that they're on different schedules. The youngest is only in school for three hours, so there's no going home during the day. I'm a road warrior who works on the road, wherever I can get WiFi. If I'm lucky, I get three hours a day to work.

The Universe works in mysterious ways. Right as this new schedule began, I lost my best-paying (but most stressful and WORST) client. I should have been more upset (it was damn good money, y'all), but I really didn't like working with them. It freed me up when I had almost zero time for work, but it's also killing our budget. I know I can earn the money back, but I feel like I have no time to do it.

The joke (funny because it's true) around here is that I can come up with ideas and tasks to keep ten people busy. I'm filled with things I want to do - and until June, no time to do them. That lack of productivity, combined with a lot more hours spent with my children than I'm used to (does the 9 year old ever stop talking?!) has left me in a weird mental state where I actually feel less submissive.

Maybe it's because I'm disciplining, scolding, and being in charge for more hours of the day than usual.

Maybe it's because I feel like I have zero control over my vanilla life, so the kinky side is floundering.

Maybe I'm just a basketcase who could use multiple good spankings. I got an excellent spanking the other day, and it worked...for about 12 hours, and then I was off again. Ugh.

Instead of being soothed by my tasks, knowing there's a calm order to my life, I'm annoyed by them. Poor Daddy asked for breakfast just before I began writing this post. I offered cereal - a no-go because he's congested and doesn't want milk to make it worse. He wanted an English muffin, and I balked because that required more effort than other options we had. (Ugh, I'm embarrassed to even admit I did that. But he did get his English muffin.)

I find myself talking back, huffing, and basically slacking off. He can bring me back with a firm look, a rough tug on my hair, and even a mild smack to my cheek (face or ass). But it doesn't last. It doesn't stick. Once he walks away, my mind starts whirling again - and my mouth follows.

There's no easy fix. Daily spankings don't fit into our life right now. Hell, our one night of amazing-OMG-fun was the first in a while. We've been too tired for much of anything lately. I know I just have to ride this out until June when at least one part of life calms down again, and I can take back a little control of my vanilla life. But it ain't easy.

Old habits die hard, but I have learned at least one thing. When I feel like I have zero control in one part of my life (ya know, the part I want to have control over), it's much harder to give up control in another part. It's not impossible, and deep down, I'm still submissive. But sometimes I'm also a borderline bratty, impudent, smartassy, pouty, whiny, foot-stompy bitch, too.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

27 Comments

  • I hear you. As I was reading your post all I could think of is that you sound just like me. It’s never going to be easy being the boss in one area and letting that all go in another area. We are human. Everything we do affects everything else we do.

    I think, for myself at least, that the ” bratty, impudent, smartassy, pouty, whiny, foot-stompy bitch” comes out because it’s my way of triggering my Dom to give me the discipline and resetting I need. Of course, it isn’t really a conscious decision, nor is it something I’m proud of.

    Hopefully the time will fly until school ends and you will find yourselves in a space that will allow you to get back to a better new normal.

    • “Everything we do affects everything else we do.” Exactly.

      Sometimes I think I’d love for him to go all strict Dom on me – and it’s NOT a subconscious thought, lol. If I get bad enough (or he feels well enough after he reads this post), he may set me straight – but it’ll be in some way I never anticipated and probably won’t love – which is how that usually goes, lol.

      Definitely ready for the new normal. Two more weeks, just two more weeks.

  • Aw, honey, it happens to the best of us. And not even when there are a million things going on, like you have right now. There are times when I’m sassy and ungrateful with no excuse except lack of chocolate. Sending you a ton of hugs and some hair pulls.

    • Mmm, don’t pull my hair unless you mean it. 😉

      I’m sure that happens to me, too. Daddy would call those my sassy moments. And I would deny it to the hilt! /giggles

      It sucks to know one thing with your rational mind and to feel something different. Ready for balance, please and thank you…and now that you mention it, chocolate. 😀

  • You are an amazing submissive woman, author, mother, and partner. You’re honesty, wisdom and friendship keeps the rest of us motoring through times like this.

    Oh, the joy when the crazy ends and life slows down for you again. Hang in there, Kayla.

      • 🙂

        Love the ‘selling the children off to gypsies” comment 🙂

        You’ll get there. Those last days/weeks of school are always the toughest. But it’s almost over for you 🙂

        Hang in there!

  • Are you getting recognized for the hard work you are doing? Sometimes I feel bitchy when all the effort I make seems to just go unnoticed or is taken for granted. I can be rather surly around my daughter and friends when I do things for them and no thanks are given. Even so, doing something different even if it is just temporary can wear on our nerves, make us impatient, and just not willing to do all those other things we love doing. Give yourself a break and don’t be so hard on yourself, the end is near, and you’ll soon return to those routines which ground you.

    • Daddy does a good job of recognizing my efforts. He thanks me for doing the basics – cooking dinner, cleaning the house. I think what riles me the most is the lack of productivity (as I perceive it to be, I mean) and the lack of a routine I enjoy and/or want to have. It’s coming…two more weeks (but who’s counting?). It’s good to know I’m not the only one who can get surly. 🙂

  • Life gets in the way, sometimes. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve never been in a D/s relationship, but I now how difficult it is to maintain status quo at home when your routine is jacked up.

    • Usually the D/s keeps things rolling even when life gets crazy. This time, it’s been more difficult. But we’re good, and I keep reminding myself it’s almost over and I can find a new normal again. 😀

  • Hi Kayla

    Read your post with interest. I think that is why I have always said no to a 24/7 relationship as I find it difficult to give up things I like to be in control of. But there are things I just wish someone would walk in and say right forget that I am in control of it. Just now I have one of those damn summer colds – yes I know it’s not summer yet lol – managed to get through the winter without so it looks like its decided now is my time!! I would just like someone to walk in and say I will do this, and this so you can take the time to get well and not worry about cooking, cleaning and anything else on a daily basis. ohh if only – oh well hopefully I will find a Sir like yours one day. Keep going not long now xxxxx Sue

    • The best part about a good D/s relationship is that you communicate what you need and want and only give up control where you feel comfortable. I have complete control over my career and plenty of control over how some things are done at home. If he wanted control over something and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, we would talk it over and figure out something that worked for us. 🙂

      That being said, I’m sorry you don’t feel well, and I know how that feels, wanting someone to come in an take care of you, even if just for a little bit.

      It can happen. We’re living proof of it. ((HUGS))

  • I think you wrote about my current state of mind! Creepy stalker.

    Lol. I can relate. Every word. And I guess we have to ride it out and try to keep the sass to a minimum. (Good luck because the light slaps to my mouth have not slowed yet.)

    Mother’s Day? Yeah, expectations. I was unhappy because the boys didn’t even sign the card AND it was a lame funny card instead of a sweet one. Sigh. So ridiculous.

    • /giggles. I’m a stalker…in your MIND. 😉

      Damn those expectations that we aren’t actually communicating. Knowing I was disappointed over something inconsequential upset me more than the actual disappointment. Sometimes, it’s crazy in my brain…pretty sure you know that feeling, too. 😉

    • Two more weeks, and hopefully there will be peace and calm in our kinky world.

      And thanks. I figure it’s better to be honest and show people how it works from our perspective than to create a false image and allow anyone else to feel bad because their BDSM experience isn’t “perfect.” There’s no such thing as perfection…even as I strive to find it, lol.

  • Wolf and I live a 24/7 relationship, and right now it is really light on kink and anything even close to D/s. I understand where your headspace is at the moment. Our living arrangements are wonky, and it Really does mess with your head.

    This is usually where I need D/s the most, and at this point, it is the least likely thing to happen. (unless we go rent a hotel room)

    Give yourself some slack. Talk with SSir, and if the vanilla life sort of fills up the world for a few more weeks, be okay with it. Once you’re in your new abode, pick things back up.

    Hugs and spanks!

    Wordwytch

    • ((HUGS)) Thanks, WW.

      We finally unpacked the last box, and it’s less chaotic on that end. Ready to go back to my hermit/writing ways. Just a couple more weeks and it’ll be over. In the meantime, we’re finding moments to remind ourselves (okay, remind ME) that it’s not forever and we’ll get back to “normal” soon. 🙂

  • I can understand a bit how you feel. My Master and I are in the process of moving in together. We are a couple hours apart right now. I am a hot mess of stress right now with working and packing and kids. I forget what I’m supposed to be doing all the time. And I’m not feeling submissive in the slightest. But I know the 1st of June, things will be changing for the better. Here’s to hoping we can both hold it together a little while longer. Lol

    • Congrats on the move!

      When SSir and I moved in together last summer, it took me two weeks to feel submissive again. We kept up our protocols and we enjoyed kinky stuff, but we didn’t work out new rules or new tasks until my mind was in the right place. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re not feeling it once you’re together 24/7. It’s an adjustment, especially if you were living alone and being independent before. ((HUGS))

  • Sadly this is the reality of life. Hang in there till the end of the school year and I am sure things will improve. You are human, that’s all. Hugs xxx

    • Damn it, I don’t want to be human! I want to be Wonder Woman! /giggles

      I know, and you’re right. After a pretty intense weekend, I’m feeling a bit better. Hopefully this week won’t kick my butt too much and make me forget again, lol.

  • Maybe you two need to make time for daily spankings so you get into your submissive headspace every day. I totally know what you are talking about. Pop over and read my Wicked Wednesday post about why I have lists, so you see what Jolynn does with me.

    • Normally, we have a lot more time…May has been really tough. And daily spankings just aren’t on the list right now – as much as we’d both like them.

  • Ugh… Yeah, I can relate too. I think routines, as silly as some of them might sound, and consequences for not following them, help to reinforce the submissive feeling. Otherwise you fall out of the mindset, and it’s harder to recapture it at a moments notice when you do have the time. You end up thinking, well maybe it’s not that important, maybe he doesn’t want it. At least for me anyway, my brain goes there pretty quick

    • Consequences do reinforce the feelings, thankfully…sadly? But for me, it’s not that I think he doesn’t want it – because he makes it clear that he does. I’m simply consumed with guilt for not getting it done, doing the task, whatever – which stresses me out more. It’s a vicious cycle.

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