I felt like I was drifting through my days. My mind was constantly whirling, filled with worries and what-ifs. I couldn't concentrate, and I soon realized, I was becoming unable to make my own decisions. I was distinctly not myself.
This was my new life - Daddy and me (sans children for a short while). I couldn't handle pain. I wasn't feeling very submissive - although I was definitely a babygirl. Oh, there were flashes of submission, moments when I felt like myself. And then I realized something.
I need to be in control of and in charge of something in my life. Without my old job, without any knowledge of the geography of my new home, and without my work, I was adrift and completely reliant on Daddy. That totally fucked up my head.
I was scared to drive, scared of traffic, and basically a nervous Nellie every time we left the house.
I looked to him for every answer to every single thing. Every. Single. Fucking. Thing. I'm pretty sure I was very tiresome for my Daddy.
Here's the thing. We don't want a Master/slave relationship or a total power exchange - although we respect those who do. There are some decisions we want me to make just as there are some things I need to be able to do on my own. Feeling like I needed to rely on him for everything made me distinctly feel NOT submissive.
The thing that fucked with my mind the most was being afraid to drive. For years, I drove myself anywhere and everywhere I could, loving long road trips and figuring out how to navigate new places. And now, here I was, in a new place with no real knowledge of how to get from point A to point B, and I was a nervous wreck!
A few things happened that fixed it all...
We went grocery shopping and stocked the kitchen. My kitchen. From the first meal I made, it became my domain. Daddy knows how to cook and is a really good one. I look forward to one of his meals. But right now, I'm taking care of business in the kitchen - and I like it that way.
The boys came home. We didn't get as much time alone as we wanted, but I think we got exactly what we needed. After two weeks, they were home. (Actually, we drove for 10 hours on a Friday to get them and drove back home over the course of 12 grueling hours on a Sunday. Ugh.) Daddy definitely has the freedom to parent the boys as needed, but they are my main responsibility - especially now that they're home with me full-time.
We needed to go to the grocery store, and I had no choice but to get behind the wheel and navigate the mean city streets with my sweet (rowdy) boys in tow. And I did it. And I finally felt normal again.
Submission of any sort is only possible when the submissive feels like they have the power to submit, as if it's their choice to submit. For whatever reason, for a brief moment in time, I felt completely out of control and found it almost impossible to submit. I think routine and ritual (and the love of a good man) held me together until I could center myself and gain some control of my life again.
Now I'm aching to submit.