Life is all about finding balance. Personally, I can’t live in extremes. That holds true professionally and personally. Even in (especially?) my relationship with Daddy.
I’m not only a bedroom submissive, but because of our preferences and our lives, we’re not in a full 24/7 relationship. We’re more of a hybrid – which allows for balance.
Someone asked me recently how I managed to be D/s with children. Well, I explained, I don’t exactly kneel and crawl when the boys are around. All they see is that I’m polite and respectful to Daddy. They may hear me ask his opinion, but when I have to ask permission, they don’t hear the direct question. He and I have gotten pretty good at speaking with a few looks and hand gestures.
If they had been raised around this kind of relationship, maybe I would be comfortable calling him “Daddy” in front of them, but since they haven’t, I use his name – which feels and sounds very foreign because to me, he’s only Daddy, except when he’s Sir.
I went on to explain that the rules I have to follow aren’t brought up in conversation around the boys. I simply follow them, and nothing is so strange or out-there that they would wonder why I was doing something.
It’s all about finding balance, you see.
While sometimes it feels like I have a split personality, I can (and have to) switch from speaking to Daddy in dulcet, respectfully sweet tones to laying down the law in no uncertain terms to two little boys who love to make mischief. And then, I turn right back around to Daddy and continue where we left off. Balance.
I may receive a message from Daddy to pinch my nipple, take off my panties, play with myself, whatever while I’m at work (all in the ladies room, by the way). He knows I can’t always just drop what I’m doing to comply (although I wish I could). He respects that I sometimes have to find the time to slip away – but that I will do my task and report back. Balance.
In dominance and submission, we still have to live and deal with a very vanilla world. I don’t want to answer uncomfortable questions (or lose my job), so we find the balance between kink and non-kink, the lifestyle and vanilla.
At the end of the day, it’s not always about the small details of how we live the lifestyle – but that we lived it at all. If our dirty text message conversation is interrupted while I give the four year old a bath, that’s ok. If our plan to play while on the phone is interrupted because one of us had a no-good-rotten-day and we want to talk about it, that’s ok. It’s all about finding balance to make the relationship, the lifestyle, and the kink work.
Everyone will find balance in their own way – there’s no standard. It’s wishful thinking, in my world, to believe I can go about my entire day in a submissive frame of mind. Knowing that my Daddy understands the push and pull I experience makes life a lot easier for both of us.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt is about “Balance” – since I’m still working on physical balance through yoga, and I have yet to find work-life balance, I went with something I’m quite familiar with.
Kayla…. You nailed this one. We also strive for 24/7, and balance is an art to say the least. Sometimes it works and sometimes it flies out the window, but we always try our best to make it work for us!
Hugs friend! Mynx
((HUGS)) That’s all you can do – try your best.
I am always astounded by this question in regards to children and kink. ALL parents have an adult relationship that their children are not party too, regardless of whether they are kinky or not, but do we ask them…. How do you manage to have an adult relationship with 2 children? No, what a silly question it would be. Do non kink people play out their sex life in front of their kids? Hopefully not. So why would we even entertain the thought of kink people doing it?
We are in a 24/7 D/s relationship. It is always there, BETWEEN US, but I am still a Mother with authority in my children’s life. Being sub to him does not mean I am sub to anyone else, particularly my kids *laughs… being sub to him does not silence me, or diminish me, in fact quite the opposite.
Personally I find this question, when it is asked of me, fairly offensive, as it assumes that being kinky is somehow connected to a lack of moral boundaries. I do take the time to answer it though as if people ask then they clearly are asking to learn which is a good thing.
I call him Sir in front of my kids, they have asked me about it, I told them it was like a nick-name. They both seemed happy with that. Apart from that, to them we are just a happy couple or kiss, talk, laugh, disagree like all parents.
Mollyxxx
So much this!!
I’m also terribly offended when people ask purely because it assumes we lack morals.
Great write up!
If the question hadn’t been asked by someone who I like and respect, I probably would have been insulted too. But she truly couldn’t imagine it, based on what she understands D/s to be. It was nice to help educate her a bit.
And I agree completely…only a sub for him and NO ONE else. My little boys are a little bit scared of me, and I’m ok with that. I’m fierce with them and soft with Daddy. It’s a nice balance.
A special acknowledgment for those with youngsters at home. what a juggling act that would be. Thankfully we have arrived to where we have no interference from kids and because parents are also far away we really do have free reign.
I don’t want to wish my children grown and gone, but I do wonder how D/s will be different when that part of my life is over.
I admire your Zen like approach. Things usually are in balance for us as well, our children see me sitting at Sir’s feet and see him running his hands through my hair and don’t even blink. They see and hear love and respect from us both, even when we are not seeing eye to eye. It just works… What goes on when they aren’t home or behind the bedroom door is nothing they need to be concerned with 🙂
The boys have watched Daddy hold me while I cry – that’s probably the closest they’ve seen to anything intimate, but I think they accept what they do see between us. The rest isn’t for their eyes – or anyone else’s, for that matter.
So much of what you say above goes for my relationship with Master T. We too have to find the balance in our daily lives, and where we have a 24/7 mindset, we are not busy with kink 24/7. Oh there are days on which I would want to crawl for Him from morning to night, but with kids in the house that is just not possible. Like you, we have to find the balance in our daily lives with kids and in our professional lives. Thankfully no one has ever asked me how I manage to have a kinky relationship with kids in the house.
Rebel xox
I like that – a 24/7 mindset…I think Daddy and I will get there eventually.
Some days balancing is easier than others, that’s for sure. 🙂
The more I read what you write, the better I feel and the more I appreciate finding you. Thank you for articulating this so well.
((HUGS)) You’re welcome!
it is beautiful that you both find a way to make it work and yes balance is quite important. Your situation sounds very much like ours except we have a 12 and 8 year old that are always up to something.
Well, my boys have the same age difference, so in 4 years, we’ll be at 8 and 12. I can only imagine. Scare me with your horror stories – I’ll take notes. 🙂
18, 16, and 12 here… All with smart mouths.
I’m ready for the boys to be slightly more independent…but I’m not ready for them to be any mouthier than they already are…
Ok, here’s some horror. We have 24, 22, 20, and 13. All boys. Not all our biological kids. All have or do live part or all of their lives in our house. The 20’s suck almost as much as the horrific teens. The 24 year old is almost human again. The 13 year old is just entering the alien stage where they snatch his body and return him as a smartass teenager. The good news is that talking about anything sexual is an instant gross-out to them which heads off most questions about your relationship. No one has ever batted an eye about me sitting on the floor by Dad talking to him or having my head in his lap on the couch. (Something we realized last night I have done since we were dating in any situation where I could manage to do it.) the bad news is they will purposely ask embarrassing questions about any toys/videos they find. They don’t really care about your answer. They just want to discomfit you.
The 18 yr old is at the same stage…
I kept hoping when our 24 year old turned 18 it would get better. It’s been a long 7 years!
Yeah, NOT helping.
You’re not comforting me over there.
Really? You have only 2! With your Daddy there, you have it covered!
Except he’s not here, so it gets a little rough at times.
stupid computer….
Really, you only have 2! with your Daddy there, you have it covered!
Yes, you are right, he isn’t there most of the time. It was insensitive of me. I’m sorry. It does get better when they can bathe and clothe themselves.
I didn’t consider it insensitive…just a fact. I’ve been doing the mom thing alone since 2011 (when the 4yo was 18mths) so I can’t really imagine it any other way. Daddy is a huge help when he’s here, but I’ve learned not to depend on help because it’s often temporary. I’m definitely looking forward to the day when it’s not temporary anymore and we can be a team. Us against them, lol.
I was alone for long stretches when mine were in K, 3rd, and 6th. It is very draining. Especially since DMW and I were not exactly seeing eye to eye at the time. He was off being devious, LOL. This will be ending soon for you!! Are you SURE you don’t want any Legos?? Thomas? Playmobil??
God please no more Legos OR Thomas! I don’t think I can handle it!!! 🙂
Ohhh, Sir Topam Hat is getting lonely..
Sir Topham Hatt is an overbearing idiot! Have you WATCHED him on Thomas?? He’s always SO disappointed and only wants Really Useful Engines. And he has no patience for Percy at all.
Wait, what? I’ve watched waaaaaaay too much over the years.
Hahahahaha….. This made me and DMW laugh out loud! I had to sit through so many episodes of Thomas and play with those stupid trains for years. Then… both boys were hooked on REAL trains, so we had to visit every damn train museum on the east coast….
My youngest seems to like trains (regardless of character). Over Christmas there was a train display at the local Christmas display and he was in heaven. Could have stood there all night.
I’ve learned how to tune it out…I don’t even hear it anymore…well, except when Sir Topham Hatt pisses me off, lol…and thank God (or holy shit, not sure which) for Netflix, because now he has Thomas on demand.
A great reflection of what works in your relationship. I really like how there is no one way to go about the relationship (though many may argue that point).
It sounds as though you guys found an amazing balance.
Thank you. I think the balance will be better when we’re closer.
I’m retaliating for your little post.
True!! I’m looking forward to offloading our oldest this summer to a WIFE!! Hip hip hooray. He can be her PITA.
I’m still waiting for them to outgrow Legos. Thank God Thomaa the Train was never an option. However, Shinig Time Station nearly broght me to my knees weeping. That and all the freaking Disney movies!!
Here was our progression… Legos, legos legos, candy, legos, candy, food food food food food, ninja’s, food, food, girls.
We’re definitely at the Legos and candy stage. Food is creeping in more and more. Ninja’s are sort of there. Thank God girls are still “gross.”
The good thing about being older when you have a D/s relationship at our house is that we only have the pets living with us. My boys are 24 and 29 and both of them know we are in the lifestyle and the oldest used to go to munches with me. Plus he helped us set up the dungeon when we first bought the house, which was handy. He covets the cool stuff we get from vendors and Jolynn will show him and a girlfriend how they work. The youngest is weirded out by the posts, and he knows Jolynn writes erotica. But he can’t fuss that the extra money for that gets him a three day paid vacation with his girlfriend at a hotel in Milwaukee or somewhere else for most of the week.
When they were younger, I had to put a keyed lock on my bedroom door and take the key with me when I went somewhere. I kept it with the car keys. Those guys would go digging around in my room for stuff and have show and tell with the friends. I kept most things in my top drawer and could tell when people were in there. They caught hell about it, but I’m sure they thought it was funny.
The boys, as young as they are, respect a closed (and locked) door when Daddy is here. They, usually, respect a closed door when he’s not.
I can’t imagine them knowing about this, but I’m sure there will come a time when they know – not that I want to talk about it until they’re 18, 30, 45, something like that. 🙂
We will have to either put a keyed lock on the door or lock the toys up. There has been some snooping of late.
Oh, my. That is my nightmare! The oldest suspects (24) but is getting married and out soon. However, the curious 13 year old boy I can see doing the SAME thing as yours! Locking door. Good idea. Thank you!
It is the 12 yr old that has been snooping, and posting it on Instagram and texting to her friends. However, she has forgotten that I have access to every website she visits and all her accounts. She hasn’t found the mother load yet. I think a lock on the closet door is in order.
The nice thing is you have that beautiful wooden chest and it would be very simple for me to put a lock on it and make it the toy chest.
I’m definitely ok with that!
Too funny for a minute I thought he was talking about our lovely wooden chest!!
OMG!!!!!! I live in constant fear. The oldest found stuff about this age but the possiblity of POSTING it makes me sick to my stomach…off this week so I’ll be “redecorating” the bedroom this week.
All our toys are stored in a locked clothes armoire(which has no clothes in btw), and our bedroom door has a lock on it as well, and has been for years! Sir even ran electric into the armoire for the rechargeable items! ;D
Wow, electricity? I can here Daddy’s wheels turning from over here.
I hate to break it to you but I have one older and the Legos could continue after the girls with video games sprinkled in for fun.
I’m impressed with what they can build with them, but the floor is a landmine. /sigh
I have an armoire that is possibly getting a facelift this weekend. After August, #1s room is becoming a locked playroom. My cover will be that it is Christmas present storage. If we can escape discovery before then, that is. The tiny baby is a super snoop b
Kayla I was able to perpetuate the girls-are-gross theme until middle school this year. Sigh.
Daddy’s wheels are always turning.
I’ve noticed. 😉
As a bit of cheer, once the become teens they confine themselves more to their rooms. You are still picking up their crap all over the house but they are sleeping-talking on the phone-playing- video games far far away from you. Unless they think you are having sec, the dirty little brats .
Yes, all 3 are cave dwellers now.
I don’t want to wish them grown…but yeah, I’m ok with some of that. 🙂
This weekend, I looked UP at my 13 year old and thought, “I miss cuddles.” Then I remembered how much I really like Sir’s cuddles and snapped out of it.
I’m fortunate that the 4yo still likes a little bit of cuddles. The 8yo asks for hugs just so he can look at my laptop screen. Mama is smarter than that…I know how to minimize. 😉
I know how you feel. I have people that I can’t talk to about the things I am into and then I am glad I have a community of you guys and a few friends that who get me and the lifestyle.
Online communities can make all the difference in the world – especially if you don’t know too many people in real life who you can talk to. ((HUGS))
I know all of you make the difference for me every single day. I believe I can do this because of your encouragement. I feel blessed to have stumbled across you.
((HUGS)) Awwww, honey, we love you, too!!
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Hi. I’m not a D or S – quite into equality actually, though occasionally I’m a switch, but it’s still hard for me to take on either role (I work as an escort and get asked to play a Dom a lot). I’m so passive that I think Dom practice is probably good for me. I’m quite openminded but one of the kinks that I continue to not only have a strong boundary against but find myself struggling not to judge (which may be ‘normal’ but still not comfortable) is the whole ‘daddy/little girl’ D/s scenario. Maybe it’s because I was so close to my dad that one f#cked up rehab counsellor even suggested that perhaps my childhood had been filled with ’emotional’ incest just because my dad was open about vocally expressing his emotions (though never about anything sexual). I was so desperate to get off drugs at the time, that I took anything the confrontational, brainwashing, manipulative staff and their god-complexes (I have since experienced the wonderful alternative supportive recovery models are in contrast) suggested to me seriously. Big mistake asking my dad if he had ever molested me. Long story short we (he passed away June14 2012) were are a lot alike and because we had so little trouble respecting understanding and relating to eachother we were very close. It hurts to imagine anything sexual with my daddy (I know that you don’t think of your partner as your actual dad) The idea of calling anyone ‘daddy’ in a sexual situation let alone living an entire lifestyle of pain and pleasure and submission to my ‘daddy’, is something I can’t handle. Never the less, I run a website with the word ‘Sanctuary’ in the title and I would prefer not to have ANYONE feel judged from the site due to their lifestyle or kinks or sexual preferences (excluding abuse and anything nonconsensual of course), especially with so many of the other reviewers and bloggers being into BDSM, several in D/s relationships and most of those using the term ‘daddy’ in that context. How does this comment pertain specifically to YOU miss Kayla, your relationship and your blog? Sorry that this is so lengthly! I open the ‘daddy’ posts with caution, hoping I learn, instead of feeling prejudiced and this post did just that! I’m so happy to hear that you are able to switch off the roles in front of your children. Not only that, but that your partner is still just as committed and loving without your subservience.
Balance is a concept near and dear to both my intellect and my heart. I understand how difficult constantly striving for it can be. I’m trying to get this different meaning for the word ‘daddy’ and have an understanding of the sexual activities and the lifestyle that doesn’t seem like incest. You sound like a great parent and I will continue to read your blog. Thankyou for the opportunity to expand my ability to accept that that I can’t relate to, and for helping me understand and eliminate the prejudiced assumptions.
Wow. Thank you so much for your comment – I wasn’t offended and I appreciate the effort you put in to trying to understand something that is difficult for you personally.
In the very beginning, I couldn’t understand Daddy/little girl dynamics, either. I was a true Daddy’s girl as a child, and couldn’t imagine calling a man not my father “Daddy.” No – really.
Along the way, I began to explore the dynamic and learned that while there are some age players in the lifestyle, that’s not a requirement. For me, the babygirl side is my vulnerable side. Daddy is the name that most closely fits who he is as my Dominant, but there is nothing incestuous about it. I often wonder if I could call him “Daddy” if my own father was still alive – maybe not. But, whatever I called him, he would still be a Daddy Dom for me.
SSir and I wrote a guest post for a friend’s website about what being a Daddy and a babygirl actually means to us – since the D/s lifestyle means something different for everyone. I’d be happy to send you the link, if you’d like. But I also understand if you’d rather not. 🙂
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