In last week's post detailing the routine of my day as a submissive woman, I mentioned that I identify as a "little." That seems appropriate for today's topic. Of course, I've been thinking a lot about my submission in the past few days - partly because I knew I wanted to discuss it here and partly because I've been with my Dominant since Wednesday night.
Yes, he's mine just as much as I am his. Anyone looking at pictures on Tumblr or simply reading BDSM erotica will see many Dominants (male or female) claim their submissive with a simple word, "Mine." That's very true. Part of what I love about being a submissive is belonging to my Dominant. But without me, he wouldn't be a Dominant. He'd be a man with Dominant tendencies. The two need one another to exist.
Ok, so I got off on a little tangent there. Today, I want to focus on my "type" of submission. Dominance and submission is one of those times in life when we really are all unique snowflakes. Kinks abound in this world, and what gets me off might be stomach-turning to someone else.
In my first D/s relationship, I was simply a submissive woman. Which tells you nothing, right? Basically, I wanted to do anything and everything that would please him. I was "pet" to him, and he was "Sir." He and I had already discussed what I liked, what I didn't, so when I say I wanted to do anything and everything, I mean, within my own personal limits that we'd discussed. He was a strict Sir who wanted and took absolute control. I liked that about him. It was intoxicating to know that anything we did sexually was at his whim. While he went to great lengths to make sure I was satisfied, most of my satisfaction came from submission. Releasing all control heightened my pleasure. It was addictive.
And then that ended.
Months have passed, and I'm dipping my toe into the D/s waters again, but this time it's completely different. I spent the months that I was alone exploring what I called my "little girl tendencies." This is a side of me that didn't see much light even when I was a little girl. Those tendencies include a love of the colors pink and purple, pigtails, teddy bears, and every once in a while, Hello Kitty. That side of me also cries when life seems unfair, pouts, and stomps her foot - a lot.
For the record, I'm not into age play, and when I'm feeling "little," I don't act like a small child. There are people out there who are into that thing, and I say more power to them. For me, it's a state of mind. It's the side of me that's most vulnerable. I've spent most of my adult life (and even a good bit of my childhood) apologizing for how I felt or hiding my real feelings - in an effort to protect myself from rejection.
Calling him "Daddy" was the scariest thing I've done yet, and at the same time, the most liberating. To him, I am "baby," "babygirl," and sometimes "little one." Remember, this isn't about age play. As a Daddy, he's protective, caring, nurturing, loving, and indulgent (at times). He's also firm and constantly looking out for my best interests. At the core of it all, he's still a Dominant man, and he will take what he wants when he wants it - and as a submissive woman, I adore that.
The difference between my first relationship and this one is the freedom I feel like I have. Before, I wasn't allowed to touch Sir without permission - it was always granted, but there was a protocol to follow to receive permission. It may sound restrictive, but it was heady stuff. Wanting to touch him and not knowing if I would be allowed to - I was turned on more by the chance of denial than anything.
Now? Oh now, if I want to touch Daddy, I can. But, like most little girls (in any sense of the term), I don't know what to do once I get what I want. When I want to show how happy I am, I tend to pepper his neck with kisses. He always smiles indulgently. Of course, when I make his breath catch and I feel his muscles tense, I take it a step further (I am a grown woman with a full sexual appetite, after all). I lick and nip and nibble - until he decides enough is enough and takes what he wants.
Here's the thing...I don't expect anyone to understand the Daddy/little girl dynamic of Dominance and submission. Hell, I don't really expect anyone to understand D/s in general. Hearing a grown woman call a grown man "Daddy" when he's clearly not her father freaks some people out. I don't consider him my father - I wouldn't be able to suck his cock if I did. He doesn't consider me to be his daughter. He wouldn't be able to fuck the hell out of me if he did.
All I can say as way of explanation is that it's a state of mind for us. The side of me that still feels innocent and young responds to the nurturing, caring side of him. The part of me that craves giving up control, sexually and in some other aspects of my life, is drawn to the quiet control of a good Dominant man.
At the end of the day, we're a man and a woman who's sexual kinks speak the same language.
What I'm slowly learning, about myself, is that how I submit and the way I submit can be influenced by the personality of the man I find worthy of my submission. Not that I'm looking or wanting someone new, but I wonder what kind of submissive I would be with someone else. Am I simply a woman who wants to submit to any good Dominant who earns my trust or am I a specific "type" or two of submissive woman who needs a specific type of Dominant? Right now, there's no way to know - and I'm ok with that.