An argument with a friend got me thinking. I've been stewing and percolating on this one for a few days, actually. He views my submissive side as something unnatural. He wonders aloud what happened to me in the past or if I use it as a coping mechanism. He went a little too far and wondered if my submissiveness could be damaging my children.
After I finished being pissed off about his assumptions, it dawned on me. He probably has no idea what every day submission looks like. Think about it. In places like WordPress and Tumblr, many of us who subscribe to the lifestyle spend most of our time talking about play time and scenes. We focus on the erotic, not the day-to-day minutia.
I follow a couple of blogs who do focus on the daily routine, and I'm sure many others do, too. But what if someone found my blog because they read one of my masturbation posts and the next day, I write about getting my ass beat or something. If they don't have any prior knowledge about BDSM, I'm their example of Dominance and submission (D/s). Ok, so that may be an extreme example of "not knowing" but it could happen to any one of the blogs out there discussing any part of BDSM.
Yes, I love spankings. Yes, I love being bitten and marked with bruises. Yes, I want to wear a collar and kneel for my Sir. Yes, yes, YES! But that's only a small part of D/s. In the real world, unlike the pages of a blog, we have to interact with a very vanilla world. Only the bravest or dumbest among us attempt to be sexual every moment of the day. I can't imagine anyone with children being comfortable with their kids seeing the kink side of their relationship. What most children probably see is the mutual respect a Dominant and a submissive show one another.
I am one example of a submissive. Everyone is different. You could line up 100 submissives, and while we may have some similarities, none of us will be identical to another. So I'm going to give a little peek into submissiveness that doesn't involve kinky sex, but remember (if you're new to this whole lifestyle thing), I'm just one of many.
On any given weekday, my routine is fairly similar, and governed by a certain level of submission that I'm comfortable with, considering I haven't formalized my relationship with my Dominant. I identify more and more as a "little" (that will be a post for another day for my newbie friends) and therefore call my Dominant "Daddy." So here are the very boring details of my experience with submission outside of the kinky, hot, erotic sex everyone always reads about. And please realize, every bit of my routine and tasks was discussed and agreed upon before implementation...
I wake up at 4:15am to write, blog, and build the writing career. This used to be the time I woke up to exercise, but I made some changes and renegotiated this portion of my schedule. It's my time to wake up, face the day, and do something I love doing first thing in the morning.
Daddy calls at 5am. We talk about the day ahead, random stuff, and sometimes play. By play, I mean he guides my masturbation and makes me beg to cum. It's delicious! I highly recommend it.
He picks out my panties for me each day, sending me a picture of which ones to wear. No picture means no panties. After I shower, I take a picture of myself in the day's panty selection. Full frontal picture with my ugly stomach showing and all.
After my shower, I also look into the mirror and say three things to myself: "You deserve happiness; you will find happiness. You are loved; you are worthy of love. You are a beautiful, vibrant woman." I used to cringe when I said the first two sentences. Those are easy now, because I believe them. The last sentence is new, and I still grit my teeth as I say them because I feel awkward.
Before I leave my house, I send him an email with the picture letting him know that my task for the day (the three things I tell myself) is complete.
When I arrive at work, I email him to let him know I've made it there safely. I also let him know if I'll be out of touch because of work (I do that on my own as a courtesy, not because he's requested it).
He's helping me stay on track with diet and exercise. After every meal and snack, I log it in an app we both have that allows us to share information in to-do list format. I try to approximate calories. If I want a special treat, I have to ask first. He can, and sometimes does, say no. Yes, I pout a little.
I go to the gym at lunch now. When I get back to the office, I email him to let him know I've arrived.
When I leave work, I text him to let him know I'm leaving for the day. Most days, I call him as I'm leaving to chat until I get to the daycare to pick up my youngest.
At night, I call him once the boys are settled and we talk until he's ready to go to bed. Often, he will tell me to go to bed, too because I'm usually exhausted. Sometimes, he'll tell me I can stay up and play on Facebook or Tumblr. During the week, I have to be done with everything and in bed by 10pm at the latest.
So there it is, in a very boring nutshell. Of course, a lot of this has to do with distance. But, in the many discussions we've had about it, if we were a more official couple and if we were closer to one another, I would have a lot more rules.
I retain full control over parenting and work decisions. But I do ask his advice a lot - which is a trait of Dominants and submissives, I think. I never call him Daddy in front of my children or anyone else not associated with the D/s lifestyle - which is nearly everyone I know. Even when I ask permission for something when he's visiting (especially if my children are around) I usually lean in and whisper my request.
I am deferential to him. I fill his plate, make sure he has his coffee, and do a million little things to "take care of him." But as my aforementioned friend who pissed me off has said, that's how all relationships should be - each taking care of the other. I am always respectful, although a bit sassy at times.
Pretty boring, right? Ask any submissive in a relationship, and I promise they have some sort of routine, even if they wouldn't call it a routine. I like it. Routine is comforting to me. And when something doesn't work, we discuss it and come up with a new plan.
For anyone who thought Dominance and submission was hot, kinky, crazy sex all the time - sorry to disappoint. But these little, boring details are just as satisfying as the squirting, gushing, mind-blowing orgasms my Daddy gives me every chance he gets.