Be shocked, with everything going on, I've been a little introspective lately. As someone who spends too much time in my head, the idea that I could be any more introspective is frightening.
One thought leads to another and then to another, and next thing you know, I'm off somewhere completely different than where I started. That happened to me between last night and today.
I started thinking about my love for him (including my little girl hurt feelings because I can't have what I want). This lead me to thinking about the love I felt in the past. That lead me to thinking about how I love. Which ultimately brought me to a long mental conversation with the men from my past.
If I could tell them something about myself now, I think I know what I would say:
Listen up, deadbeat ex husband who took me for granted for 12 long fucking years. And you, the guy before him who tried to make me feel guilty about my own sexuality. Oh, and you, the guy after who walked away and never said a word because you were afraid.
Do you have any idea what you walked away from? What you took for granted? What you never knew you had?
I'm a woman who loves with my entire being. My love flows out of every pore. It begins within my soul. You could have had the world, and you let it slip away.
I give everything that I am. I sacrifice. I lose sleep. I worry. I hurt when you hurt. Not because I think I'm supposed to. Not because I want your admiration. Fuck that. I do it because that's what you do when you love someone.
I bestow my smiles, my laughter, my passion, my sexuality on the one I love, the one I adore. You didn't know what you had. You only had about a tenth of who I am, what I am.
I would have walked over hot coals for you. I would have walked through a burning building for you. I worked, sacrificed, and cried for you. I twisted myself in knots for you.
You probably thought my affection was easy to come by or that all women love like that. You were wrong on so many levels.
When I love, all I ask in return is love and affection. I don't care about material possessions. I don't care about how much money you make. I don't care about the car you drive. I don't care. I care about love. I care about being cherished, respected, admired, protected, loved.
You, dumbass boys, pissed it away. You used me up until I was empty, and even then, I tried to give more. Until I stopped.
And then you noticed, didn't you? Then you realized what you lost. Then you wanted it back. Too fucking bad. I've learned to be more selective in who receives my love. I learned what it means to be loved in return - and I realize now just how lacking you were.
You wanted it to stay free and easy. You depended on me to fulfill every emotional and physical need you had, never realizing I had my own, never caring.
In my capacity to love, I had no problem fulfilling those needs. I yearned for it, without realizing it. I want the man I love to be the center of my universe. I want to dote on the man I love, bringing him happiness whenever I can. I want to be the soft place to crash into when life gets too rough or scary. I want to be the sounding board for every life changing idea and event. I want to soothe tired muscles and a weary mind and heart. I want to bend to the will of someone stronger than me. I want to give every bit of who I am. That is my love.
You never knew what you had, and you will never get it back. You are not worthy of it, you probably never were.
There is one who is worthy of it. I don't know if he realizes that or not. I don't know if he understands the depth of my love. I don't know if he has room in his heart for it. I don't know if he trusts it. But I know he's worthy of it. He has my love.
You, all of you, are just idiots. But I thank you for one thing. Without your inattention, your selfishness, your lack of affection, I would never know just how good I had it for a brief moment in time. I would never know just what I'm willing to do for real love. Thank you for the hard knocks and the life lessons.