He’s always laughed and been driven a little crazy by my ability to question everything. Now, the questions running through my mind are mostly unanswerable. Even though I know it, they still race through my head.
Does He hurt like I do? I don’t want Him to hurt, I really don’t. But I don’t want this to be one-sided. I don’t want to be the pathetic one.
Is this hard for Him? I’ve made it clear that it’s hard for me. Has He pushed this to the back of His mind so He can focus? Do I cross His mind? Does He miss me?
I would kill to hear His familiar, “Silly ass, of course I miss you! Of course I love you!” But I know that won’t happen anytime soon. I would just kill to hear His voice. He could recite the ABCs to me, and I’d laugh in delight.
Did He mean it when He said He would check in with me? When? How? What if the phone call I missed from Him yesterday was all He can manage?
Why are there so many fucking reminders? Sitting in my mom’s living room, watching Guy Fieri in an Irish Pub in NY. All I could think about was my Irish (and Italian) New Yorker who does the best Irish accent I’ve ever heard and who promised to take me to an Irish pub that He likes near His apartment. Why? To find my sanity, I’m trying to do anything but think about Him? Why the reminders? Were we that intertwined with each other? Will they be everywhere?
Will there come a day when we lie together in bed talking about this dark period in our relationship? Am I just dreaming? Am I crazy to think that this can end well? Is this a matter of just putting in the effort to make it work or am I fighting a losing battle and everyone knows it but me?
Why do the tears come at random? I almost preferred the constant crying. Why does the sadness have to hit me when I don’t expect it? Why am I so angry? Not at Him, but at the situation, at the unfairness of it all.
I look at my boys and I think about how much I wanted them to meet Him. Even if we never ended up together forever, I knew they would benefit from His influence. What if that doesn’t happen? What if I’m alone forever?
Too many questions and no answers. I’m trying to focus my mind and heart on what I can do, but there’s too much time to think right now. Why, why, why? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why does it have to seem so unfair? Why does He have to go through this hell? Why? Why? WHY??????