Unless something completely insane happens, this will be my last post about the non-break-up break which is really like a break up. I learned today that my verbalization of my grief did nothing but cause him pain. Of course, when I asked why he didn't just unsubscribe to my blog, the silence told me all I needed to know.
We've talked - that's between he and I. But I will close this out in the only way I know how...
I almost fucked up today. In my zeal to make sure he knows he's loved, I almost fucked up. I really pissed him off. We came close to a real fight. Thank God, I refuse to leave things alone.
If you've read any of the previous posts, you know I have held his last words to me like a life preserver. In the darkest moments, they have been my beacon of light. Last night, those convictions were challenged a little, and I lost my shit, y'all. Lost it completely.
The part of me that became lost in all of this, the fighter, reared her ugly head this morning. And I shot off an email that was supposed to show the depth of my love. Well, fuck, it did the opposite. It made him angry, it hurt him, and it made him question me. Fuck.
I've been a quivering mess since I sent the damn thing this morning - and I didn't even know his reaction yet. I barely ate; I couldn't concentrate. It was bad.
When I got his email reply tonight, I called him...and nothing is different and yet it is.
Last week, we were both emotional, overly emotional. Nothing was clear. Tonight, everything is clear. And even though he makes no guarantees, he makes no promises, he doesn't know what's going to happen next week let alone next month, I'm good. I'm better than I have been. Make no mistake, I'm still sad, but that's just the nature of this.
I had my chance to explain how I feel about him, to lay it all out. He had his chance to tell me how he felt. And like we've done since the very beginning, we found ways to make each other laugh. We came to no actual agreements, but I heard what I needed to hear. I heard that yes, he still loves me, but there's nothing he can do about it right now. I heard that yes, I can reach out if I want to, but he can't promise that he'll be up for it when I do. I heard that yes, he will stop freaking out that I might be moving that direction, because I have no expectation of a change between us just because I'm closer.
I had an interview today. And I have a real shot at this job. I had to decide, quickly, if I would take the job even if I knew there was no chance of us getting back together. And I decided that I would. I won't know until next week if I've got it, but if they make the offer, and the money is right, I'm taking it and not looking back. I'm excited at the idea of it. I think it would be an amazing opportunity.
I said it before, he's been the catalyst, not the reason. I've needed a change and a move, badly. He just helped me find the spot on the map.
I spent a lot of time explaining how I feel - so much so that he pretty much told me to shut up at the end, but it just made me smile. Because, as I explained to him, while a Dom's responsibility is to the mental, emotional, and physical well-being of his submissive, a sub has a similar responsibility that Dom's don't always get (at least I don't think they do). We give you every part of who we are, because of our love and trust in you. We will do anything and everything to please you - but it's not all about sex.
Right now, the submissive side of me who loves that man so deeply that I can't even fathom it all, needs to do everything in my power to comfort him. I need to offer him comfort like I need to breathe - and I can't do that. I realized today that's what most of my problem has been. He's forced to set aside the D and as a result, I have set aside the s. But because of my love for him, I'm frantically trying to provide comfort - and I misfired today.
After talking about what we've both been thinking - instead of making assumptions - nothing is different, but he knows where I stand. He knows how I feel. I know how he feels - confused and sad, mostly. He knows that my offer of comfort is real. He knows that I might bug him to accept it but that it's not out of fear or grief, that it's a genuine outpouring of emotion. But like he said tonight, "The proof's in the pudding." I'm not above proving myself to those I care for, and for that reason, I will do what I can to provide real comfort. I will seek to do nothing that could cause him pain.
All I asked in return was for him not to forget me, to reach out and "touch" me every so often, and for him to accept that I love him and I have no intentions of stopping.
He doesn't like that I'm willing to wait for his life to come back from crazy town. As I explained to him tonight, "I would take the possibility of something wonderful that lasts just a moment over the reality of years of mundane crap any day." I had a few months of something amazing. I fell in love at first sight when I didn't think that was even possible. I handed him my whole heart, and although he has gently handed it back, it still belongs to him. I'm not ashamed of that.
When I woke up today, I decided I needed to fight for him and these feelings we still share, no matter how muted they may be. What I didn't realize was the type of fight it would be. It's not a brawl in the street like I thought it was; its the ultimate test of patience and love. And I'm up for it.
So, I'm back to writing about my own sexual fantasies. And I've got to find the courage to cum on my own again. As painful as it is, he's not my Sir anymore, so I won't write about him like he is. But damn I love that man.