“Sometimes I wish I was a selfish bitch. I think their lives must be easier,” I said to Him during my few precious moments on the phone.
“You know, if I called you up, told you this, and you went selfish bitch on me, I’d be out the door, right?” He asked.
“Of course!” I gasped. “And you would have every right to do that! I don’t really want to be a selfish bitch, I promise.”
I don’t know how to be selfish. When I went through my divorce last year, the part that left me in agony was the guilt I felt because I made (in my mind at the time) a selfish decision. I don’t really want to be a selfish bitch. What I want is to have things fall into place the way I’d like them to. But who wouldn’t, right?
I’m doing everything in my power not to be a burden or a stressor, to fit into the cracks of His life when and where He has time. That’s what He needs from me right now, and it’s what I want to give Him. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy though. I have felt forgotten at times. I have felt unimportant. I have felt unnecessary.
That’s not because He has made me feel that way. It’s because I still carry around a little bit of baggage (ok, a lot) from my previous relationship. I know He gives me all that He can. For fuck’s sake, He texts me at 5:00 a.m. almost every morning! Not a lot of people would do that. He calls me on the way home from work and sits in parking lots to talk to me and focus on me instead of ending the phone call and going inside – I know most people don’t do that. He’s answered my call before, admitted He was in the middle of something, and still given me 20 minutes of His time.
I don’t talk often about my little girl feelings with Him for two reasons. One, because He doesn’t need the pressure, and two, because I know He already knows I have them. He knows me like the back of His hand. He learned me early on, and He knows I do everything I can to suppress the bullshit. And He knows sometimes I fail.
But, the little girl part of me wishes for a selfish bitch moment sometimes. The ability to say, “Hey, pay attention to me, let me be the most important part of your life!” Except, I’m not wired that way. The moment the thought enters my mind, I reject it because of how I feel about Him, and His life is more important than how I feel right now. I have it relatively easy in comparison.
And like I told Him today, I’m maintaining faith that it won’t always be like this.
So while I might have an errant thought about becoming a selfish bitch, I won’t and I can’t. I care too deeply for Him, His feelings, what He needs. I’ll allow myself a moment every now and then to feel sorry for myself, and then I’ll push it to the side and give Him everything I can, I’ll try to be a bright spot in His crazy, stressful life because regardless of the little girl feelings, that’s what I truly care about.